Tracey Navrides, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

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Well said! Very true! I speak to my clients and personal friends from this space always!

Hi Everyone, Obviously, have chosen to stop posting Weekly Pearls of Wisdom...am now spending time writing them in a book! Am hoping to have the book finished by this year! Will keep you posted!

Hi Everyone... Will be taking a short break from posting my Pearls...will be back on Monday, September 22! I hope everyone continues to enjoy my quirky views on life and relationships...see ya in a couple weeks!

This Week's Pearl of Wisdom... Change and Toothpaste Recently, one morning, I found myself examining my toothpaste as I was brushing my teeth. The tube was almost empty, squeezed flat and I was looking forward to cracking a new tube openWhy you may be asking? My husband had bought the wrong version of our trusty Crest and being the practical person that I am, I decided to use it anyway, instead of throwing it away. I figured why not? It’s only one tube of toothpaste. ... How long could one tube of toothpaste last? A month, two at most! I could put up with a different taste of toothpaste for that long! Then, I realizedmy mouth and tastebuds had acclimated to the different Crest version. I could no longer remember what my regular Crest version tasted like, and I thoughtAh Hah!!!! My mouth, tastebuds, and brain had all habituated to the new, different version of Crest! And, it had only taken one tube and about two months to convert me! Now, I have been a therapist for seven years or so, and I talk to my clients all the time about making changes, creating shifts in their behavior. How creating shifts takes practice, mindfulness, weekly visits to your therapist for awhile, to support you in making the changes. If behavior changes are like toothpaste, then my clients would be able to make life long changes in about two months! Glory be!!!!! Could it be that simple??? I believe the answer is yes! I believe that change is like toothpaste! All one has to do is be aware of the change they wish to make, then practice making the change. If my brain could habituate to a new toothpaste with only twice daily exposure, morning and night, why couldn’t a person with a bit of mindfulness create all the changes they desire? Something to think about

This Week's Pearl of Wisdom..."Wherever You Go You Take Yourself" I love this expressionwherever you go you take yourself. Why do I love it? Because it gives me the opportunity to open a door into the person who can never figure out why no matter how many times they change jobs, how many times they move, how many relationships they stop and start, nothing seems to work out for themwhy? Because wherever they go they take themselves. Too often human beings blame the ...external, instead of taking responsibility for the internal. What do I mean? We have all met, know of, ORand here’s a big one, have personally experienced the external forces that are RUINING OUR LIVES! Oh boy! Really! The boss that is an asshole/bitch, the job that doesn’t pay enough, the significant other who doesn’t appreciate us, the town that doesn’t fit usthese are all externals! Externals are not in our control. What about examining the internals? The internals are things/personality traits/coping mechanisms that make up who we arethings that are within our control that we can change, create shifts, to better navigate the world, our environment, our relationships, etc. Internals are within our control. We carry them with us wherever we go. It is up to us to figure out within ourselves what works and what doesn’t and then, do something about it. Ask yourself thisno matter where I find myselfcity, job, relationshipdo I keep ending up in the same place? If the answer is yes, then that is on YOU! You are producing the same results, not the city, job, relationship. Each time you change it up, you think it will be different this time. And it isit is a new city, new job, new relationship. So why isn’t it changing? Because the common denominator to every new situation you find yourself in, IS YOU! It can’t be that every city, job, relationship is the sameyou are the same. So, get some self help books. Hire a professional like me. Do some self examining and makes some changes because wherever you go you take yourself. See more

This Week's Pearl of Wisdom... "If You Want Something Done Right, Do It Yourself" I don’t know about all of you, but when I was coming up in the world, my mother used to say this to me ALL THE TIME!!!! It is a pretty self explanatory old saying, however, let’s dissect it and see what we come up with... If you want something done right, do it yourself implies that only you can do the best job regarding any given taskthat connotes the following That you are the only capable one in the room to do the job, the task! That unless the job, the task is done exactly the way you would do it, it’s not good enough! That your standard is the only standard worthy of any notice and/or praise! Have you figured out the problem with this line of thinking? No one else is YOU, but YOU! The way you approach a problem, a job, a task is unique and individual to you! The way another person might approach the same problem, job or task will be differenthere in lies the dilemma for those of us who were taught that if you want something done right, do it yourself. Why is our way BETTER than anyone else’s way? ITS NOT! ITS SIMPLY DIFFERENT! And let me add an obvious note hereif we expect everyone to do everything the way we do it and they are not us, we are setting ourselves up and them to fail, to create ill feelings, to start arguments, to hurt each other, etcthis way of thinking is bound to harm our relationships. So, now that we have this piece of information, how about we re-coin, re-phrase this saying to sayif you want something done THE WAY YOU WOULD DO IT, THEN do it yourself. Does that make more sense? Now, you have shifted your brain towards a much healthier (and peaceful) way of viewing yourself and others in relation to everyday problems, jobs and tasks. You are recognizing and taking responsibility for your own approaches and ways of doing things, you are not putting them or projecting your expectations on others (usually the ones we love) and you are allowing others to solve problems, jobs and tasks in their own way. You are respecting both yourself and others. This is one of the greatest gifts, greatest shifts a person can achieve towards healthier relationships, healthier boundaries and a healthier, happier life!

This Week’s Pearl of WisdomDisplacement What is displacement? The example given throughout my Masters program was the following: A man goes to work, gets called into the boss’s office and gets yelled athe can’t yell back at the boss, so he goes home and kicks the dog. That is displacement. How many of us have gotten angry at someone else, something else, a situation out of our control and taken it out on someone else, usually someone we love, someone close to us. I am sure ...we can all answer, oh yes, I have done that. Did you get a feeling of remorse and shame? Probably! I would like to add a piece to this idea of displacement. This is a concept based on self observation, as well as, client observationdisplacement can occur when we are angry with ourselveslet me say that a different way All of us have been angry or frustrated with others. What about when we are angry with ourselves? Sometimes, if not often, when we are MOST angry it is never with another, it is with ourselves. How many times have we said the following to ourselves OMG! How could I have been so stupid? What was I thinking? I could have handled that in a different way! I could have handled that better! What is wrong with me today? I am such an idiot! Any of these sound familiar? When we are angry with ourselves or experience regret, we TEND to get VERY ANGRY with ourselvessometimes, much more than with othersand when that happens, OH BOY, do we take it out on other people! In my humble opinion, this is the worst displacementthe greater the anger and regret, the greater the volume of anger we displace onto others My solutionask yourself what is really going on? Who are you really angry with and why? Chances are you will discover if you are honest with yourself that you are angry with you! So figure out how to work through the anger, stop beating yourself up, forgive yourself, forget regret, fix the problem if you can, and go and apologize to whomever you displaced your anger. They will forgive you, too! Like See more

This Week's Pearl of Wisdom... Communication vs. Confrontation Often times, I sit across from a couple or an individual having difficulty expressing themselves. As I dig deeper and ask them to give me examples of how they express themselves, they exhibit behavior more confrontational, not communicational (there’s a word!). Communication is an art. People who do it well are rare. A wordsmith, a human dictionary are descriptions of those who use language to best express th...emselves clearly and concisely. It is, as if, they are composing a dance in their heads, mapping out each move, word or phrase ahead of time, in order to get their thoughts and feelings across to the listener, in a way that the listener can receive and absorb. People who are really good communicators take into account whom they are addressing, the mood at the time, the context of what they are trying to say, and the possible outcomes of how the listener may perceive their message. This is where confrontation comes into play. Confrontation can be a nasty piece of business if done with knee jerk, hostile intentions. We have all been on the receiving end of hostile confrontation and possibly been guilty of blasting someone with our own hostility. My question to you...did your behavior or the other person’s behavior (the one blasting you) get you or them what they want? Confrontation does not have to be negative, nor have a negative outcome. By using communication, one can achieve one’s goals...another question...what is your goal? Figure out what your goal is first before speaking with someone that you may be upset with, then work backwards to figure out how to communicate your needs without accusing the other person or becoming defensive and nasty to get your point across. Remember when parents began to teach their young toddlers to, use your words. That is exactly what I am suggesting here! Use your words! See more

Hi Everyone! To all those newbies who have "liked" my page, THANK YOU so much!!!! I am continuing to promote for the next 12 or so days, so looking forward to meeting any and all of you that would like to participate with me in this thing called "life"!!!!! Look for my Weekly Pearls of Wisdom beginning again this coming Monday!!!! Have a great weekend!!!!

Hi All That Know My Page and All That May Join My Page... I suspended my Weekly Pearls of Wisdom due to not being circulated out into the FaceBook world...Now, however, I have spent some time and money to promote my page and I hope that I reach a few people who may continue to enjoy my Pearls and some newbies who would like to enjoy my Pearls. Please to all of you that I may have the pleasure and honor to reach...respond to me and let me know if these Pearls are meaningful ...to you and if you would like me to continue, as I would very much like to share and my hope is that these little blurbs of fun and wisdom assist you in your life and that you enjoy reading them! Thank you in advance for all of you that support my Pearls...they along with others are being compiled into a book...when I get to the point where the book is available, I will let you know...in the meantime, I wish you all kindness, joy and love in your relationships. Me!

This Week's Pearl of Wisdom..."Be Wary of People Bearing Gifts!" One of the observations I have made over the years, listening to others tell me stories of people they thought were their friends..."when I first met them, they were so nice, when I was in the hospital they came to visit me, they seemed to go out of their way to do nice things for me"...and so on. We have all heard these stories...however, as time goes by the narrators of these stories began to notice these "fr...iends" that in the beginning seemed "so nice, so kind, so generous" were now, not as nice, not as kind, not so generous! How could that be? Sometimes it is what I call the "Shiny Penny Syndrome". I will explain that in next week's Pearl. Briefly, when a friendship or relationship is new! Most of the time, when people give too much, too soon, it is a co-dependent boundary issue. What do I mean that? We are all raised to be "social beings" in order to get along in society. There are rules of etiquette...how to show up well, how to treat others, how to behave, etc. One of the problems that arise from being social beings is, where to draw the line, where to draw the boundary regarding how much we do for others. Part of this lesson comes from how we were raised in our Family of Origin (FOO). If our FOO was fairly healthy or "good enough" then we probably have pretty good boundaries. If our FOO was dysfunctional, as is the case most of the time (because human beings are not perfect), then we may be missing some of those healthy boundaries. If, for instance, we were raised by a parent who made us feel guilty every time they did something nice for us, that would teach us the lesson that "if I do that to others, then they will feel guilty and responsible for my emotional wellbeing." NOW, this is a very simplistic example and human beings are NOT simplistic. ALSO, the child who grows up in this example, does not necessarily know as an adult that they are operating from what their parent taught them. OKAY? Now, as an adult they go out into the world, doing nice things for others until one day, they expect not only nice things in return, but usually they attempt to control the other person or persons through emotional guilt and blackmail...GET IT? That is why the title of this Pearl is "Be Wary of People Bearing Gifts" because often times, (not always) one can find themselves being controlled by another and emotionally blackmailed. What can one do? Try to always keep balance in your boundaries, in your giving and receiving. Watch out for those who want to do TOO MUCH, GIVE TOO MUCH...there may a price to pay that is TOO HIGH! Remember balance in all things! Then, that is another Pearl! Have a good week!

This Week's Pearl of Wisdom..."Be Careful Not to Bite Off More Than You Can Chew!" Both literally and figuratively this old saying applied daily may help all of us in our lives... Literally, we have all taken too big a bite of our food, almost choked, ordered too much food and then felt the need to clean our plates, left the table feeling overstuffed and miserable. What drives us to do that?... Figuratively, we have all made decisions that we have regretted simply because our choices were too much, bigger than we could handle, hard to manage. Let me give an example... I have been riding horses for many years now. I have watched many a person, including myself, choose horses that we have no business owning, let alone riding, based on our skill level. In my case, I chose my first horse based on his looks and his spirit. He threw me twelve times in fourteen years and I rode with my heart in my throat the first five. Riding in fear that your horse is more than you can handle is no fun. Isn't a hobby supposed to be fun? I have witnessed many others through the years choose horses they couldn't handle, only to not be able to let them go because they love them, not because they can ride them. In conclusion, whether it is a meal, a horse, a dog, a job...be careful not to bite off more than you can chew...you will end up choking, miserable, afraid and possibly experiencing anxiety and worry. Now, don't get me wrong, I am all for challenging oneself, however, choose challenges that can be attained without putting yourself in jeopardy. Your meals will be better tasting, more enjoyable and your hobbies/endeavors will be more satisfying. Have a good week!