The Beat Within

Greetings friends! The latest double issue, 25.41/42, of The Beat Within is back from the printer and ready for our workshop participants, various readers, subscribers, and friends. This 70 pager has a little something for everybody. If you would like a complimentary issue, don't hestiate to message us! The latest cover art was created by our old friend, Gilberto "Gato" Garcia in Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga, CA. The quote is from our resident poet, SADGIRL, who... inside each issue delivers here thoughtful and timely poetry in her featured column, SADGIRL Times. A big thank you goes out to all your wonderful Facebook friends and followers. We appreciate your support and you stopping by to check out our daily posts. We also want to thank all our writers, artists, facilitators, typists, supporters, and friends who truly help to make The Beat Within the successful and one of a kind publication and program that it is. Wishing you a great rest of the week. Reach out anytime. Thanks again!

Today, long time collaborators, the JJIE (Juvenile Justice Information Exchange) are featuring The Beat Within essay, "For Many Years I DIdn't Believe I Was Human," from our colleague and friend, Z. "In 2000, I was 14 years old, in Los Angeles’ Skid Row. You wouldn’t believe such a Third World slum existed within history’s richest country; oh, but it did. It does. A section of one of the world’s most glamorous cities set aside to hide thousands of homeless people, to hide Am...erica’s unwillingness to deal with poverty, mental health, drug addiction and homelessness. It’s all swept under the rug, or under the shadow of downtown’s skyscrapers from the top of the world, down to a grimy, violent underworld, where you had to fight just to eat and humanity was perverted into its most animalistic tendencies." https://jjie.org//for-many-years-i-didnt-believe-i-was-h/

Funny and Painful Summer Memory A funny and painful childhood memory that I will never forget is about a dog. When I was about 10 years old there lived this medium-sized dog a few houses away from mine. It had a thick white coat and looked excessively overweight. The dog’s looks or weight did not keep it from barking and charging at everybody that walked by. It’s appearance looked very intimidating. I felt scared and fearful every time I passed by with my bike, even when I tr...ied to catch some speed with my bike ahead of time just to avoid being terrorized by this savage. At least that’s what I told myself, but it seemed as though the dog already knew I was coming. After that, it was like a horse race trying to reach the finish line. I had constant times of terror, feeling scared and fearful for this dog. I finally got fed up with feelings of resentment which led to anger. I was outraged! Then it happened. I saw the terrorist dog sleeping on the sidewalk. So I went and grabbed my junker bike with no brakes, but that didn’t matter my pride was hurt and I wanted my revenge by running it over. I pedaled my bike like never before. At the same time, I avoided making any noise so that the dog would not be alerted. This whole time I was sweating from the excessive summer heat. My heart was beating rapidly and I was not going to let a dog ruin my summer vacation. Inches away from running the dog over I told myself, What the heck am I doing? But I couldn’t stop myself. I was in full force with no brakes. Right when I hit the dog, I went flying off my bike face and stomach first. The dog cried for a few seconds but it was fine. As for me, I couldn’t breathe 'cause of the impact with the concrete, with my face, elbows, and knees scratched up, as well as dirt and leaves all over me. What surprised me is that the dog came back and stood right next to me. It didn’t even bark or try to bite me. We all know dogs can’t talk. This dog was just staring at me. It seemed as though the dog was mocking me. As if it told me, What the heck are you doing? That’s what you get! The scratches and bruises went away after a few weeks. After that day, the dog no longer barked at me or others. I then later found out that the dog’s name was Bully. Checks out right? The moral of my story is always be aware of your emotions because they give your thoughts a voice that later become your actions. There are consequences to your actions, that yourself and others can get hurt. On this occasion, it was a dog. Haha! Whoever you are or where ever you are, consider my story if you like at the same time laugh out loud, just like I do when I remember. Anything I could do to help someone forget about stress is enough for me. Thank you and God bless you. To The Beat With as always thank you for your commitment and effort during these difficult times. My respect goes out to you all. - Guadalupe Garcia, Avenal State Prison, Avenal, CA

Together Together we can make the world and society a better place by helping one another instead of going to war with one another.... All it does is make the next person sad or mad when in reality everyone wants happiness. So why make someone’s relative, friend, significant other hurt? We only live once in this life we have. Why not live it to the fullest, with respect and love. - H, Alameda

Yes We Can Together, I feel we can do a lot of things. I feel if we could come together as one, or as groups who want to do good, we can change the world. I feel all people could work together and be something great. We could see what we all have in common to bring us more together. I feel like it’s not a lot of actual racism, but a lot of racially biased people. People believe they are better than a race because the color of their skin, the amount of money they have, their ...looks, etc I don’t believe that is correct. You/we all should see each other as equal - not a statistic, hoodlum, low-class, non-mannered, no job-having, dead-beat individuals. There’s way too much race wars, thinking one race is superior to another. That isn’t correct. If we live that way forever, we will never know how to come together and be together as one. Basically work in unison. And I don’t understand why we can’t all be judged on character and not skin color, race, social class, money, etc. Another factor is people bring down, or disrespect on people’s religion. Me personally, I don’t believe in being about any religion, but I respect and understand people’s religious thoughts and beliefs. People put you down or shut you out of the circle if you don’t like or believe in what they believe in. I don’t like how if people don’t believe in God, they are cursed out and not respected like a person who devotes his life to Jesus. Some things that would work for me are pretty simple. I can live and develop in most environments you put me in. I believe some people have problems because of the way they were raised and the way they grew up and saw the way people were treated. So they believe they can do better isolated or they can live with being disrespectful and rude to people they come in contact with. With a lot of work, we can learn how to respect and live with different races, genders, religions, backgrounds, and all. But that has more to do with faith and individuals putting their pride aside, and all come together as one and make the world a better place for everyone. If we STOP worrying about the color of people’s skin, social class, how many Gods they believe in, how much money they make, and START worrying about each other’s health and attitude, we can be some inspirers instead of putting one another down. -JL, Sacramento

We Need To Use Our Voices Most people don’t like to speak up because they think their words are not going to be heard or they are just to shy to speak out. But one good thing about speaking up is that you can allow your voice to be heard. But I guess some people don’t think the way I think.... The first time I ever spoke out was when I was in eighth grade. One of my friends was getting picked on because of his skin color. I had to speak up and stand up for my friend. From that moment on, I knew I had to speak up whenever something was wrong. But I think people should speak up and not just sit there and watch. When you speak up and speak out, you might bring attention to yourself but then you can be heard. And then people will start doing the right thing. I believe everything changes when you start speaking up. You can really change things or change people. When you speak up, people will start to see you differently. But when you just sit there and stay silent people will think you have nothing to say. But when you show people you can speak up, that’s when people will take notice of you and what you have to say. I think we can speak up to bring people together. When we speak up our words can be heard and that’s going to bring our country together. When we try to bring our people together, color and race should not matter. We need to speak up and speak out to bring our people together. Our people are divided for no good reason. We are all the same and we are all human. The only difference between us is our skin color. No lie. One of my dreams is to bring all our people together. People think they are different because of skin color. But I think that no one is different. But if we are going to bring our people together then we must not let our hopes get down. If we let our hopes get low, and if we give up hope, then everything will be over. So it’s better to keep our hopes up because everything can be better with hope. So we must speak up and bring our people together. -Maya, San Mateo

Coming Together What up, mi gente, this is El Incognito coming at you from Cali, and putting it down for all of you, my people, mi gente. I’ll always start by saying, muchas gracias, David and Lisa, for making me part of The Beat Within familia. Now, let me say a few things about coming together. Chale, I don’t want to come across like I’m holy-er than thou, because I’m far from it. There are some vatos out there who I just want to stay away from. I can’t be around those t...ype of gente who permeate negativity. But, no matter who you are or what you believe in we are stronger together than we are apart. If you grab a single stick in your hand, you’ll find it’s pretty easy to break, but grab a bunch of sticks and you’ll find them unbreakable. There are times when we need to stand together to make real change. We need to come together to vote, we need to come together to protest peacefully, and I emphasize PEACEFULLY, we need to come together to help each other through hard times, like the times we’re currently experiencing. We may be bulls on our own, strong but not unstoppable, but together, we can be as unstoppable as a tsunami after a 10.0 earthquake. Let’s end racism, sexism, violence, and injustice together, arm- in-arm! And with that, my people, I bid you, al rato! Stay safe, and together let’s make the sweetest lemonade anyone can make. Always with Lots of Love and Respect, - El Incognito, San Diego

Lies Daddy’s little girl, that’s what my pops would write me in his letters. Telling me he'll be here for me on my next birthday. Every year I would look forward to seeing him on my next birthday but not once did he make it. I remember my little heart pumping with joy, thinking he meant those words. My daddy left me behind and was in prison for many years. Don’t get me wrong I love my daddy he’s just not a man of his word, I don’t remember not one time my daddy was there for... me. I waited for him for 11 years and I finally gave up. He’s never coming for me, I always told myself. I then started committing crimes and not giving a shhh. Thuggin' it with the homies now I’m locked up. I don’t think about what I did but I know I messed up. It hurt. I shake and fill with fear but I always ask myself would it be the same if my daddy was still here? Can’t even look me in the eyes ‘cause my face is filled with tears. You don’t even know me or know what the heck I’ve been through. You’ve been gone all these years, so when I die I don’t want you to cry. Just smoke one for me and wish that I fly high. Forget being daddy’s little girl, everything you said meant nothing but lies. You hurt me but I love you. I just want you to recognize. -N, Los Angeles

Self-Sabotage I feel like I had experienced rejection multiple times in my life, but when I try to recall a particular moment, I can’t. I realize that I tend to reject myself more than others reject me. When opportunities present themselves, I self-sabotage, or I don’t allow myself to be put in a position to experience rejection. I’ve always felt sensitive to criticism, so when I was on the receiving end, it felt like it was an attack on my person rejection is similar in ...that sense. If I experienced rejection, I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with who I am as a person, which would be too hurtful to accept. The fear of possible rejection has always held me back and passed on opportunities that would have significantly benefited. As I become more introspective and become aware of my own behavioral patterns and emotional states, I try to push myself. I still have difficulty receiving constructive criticism and feedback, and on terrible days, it’s devastating, but learning about Growth Mindset helped me be kinder to myself. Approaching rejection from this perspective, I realized everything is an opportunity to learn and grow from. -A, San Francisco

Redemption Through Rejection I am humbled to be able to share life lessons and my experience through writing. In my lifetime I have suffered as well as endured rejection. What I’ve found to be very important is how I’ve reacted or responded when rejected. My life of crime is grounded on being rejected. I was a young man when my ex-girlfriend had an affair with a very close friend. I couldn’t comprehend why the two of them would hurt me in such away. Back then I had zero copin...g mechanisms to deal with the pain I felt, nor did I know how to identify or process my feelings. I made a choice that would change the lives of my ex-girlfriend, our young daughter, and myself because I felt I wasn’t good enough. I also felt that I wasn’t received by her in a way that made me feel wanted. I felt rejected. I murdered someone I said I once loved because of not understanding how to process rejection. The feeling of being unwanted and abandoned made me insecure and left feeling worthless. This still was not a reason to do what I did. Through my first 18 years of prison, I sought validation through criminal thinking and activity such as using, selling cell phones. I engaged in this type of behavior because I wanted to be accepted by those around me, constantly fearing rejection. In 2014, I had enough of living a facade. I made the tough choice of learning who I am and why I react the way I do to being rejected. I learned about childhood trauma I had experienced that I never properly adjusted nor processed. Coming to this realization I learned to grow and better deal with any rejection by responding rather than reacting. A response calls for me to think and process my feelings. Today, if I’m rejected I now understand this can and quite possibly will happen. People don’t have to like me, accept me, give me a job, or be my friend. The choice I do own and possess is how I react or respond. A reaction takes no thought, just an action. A response takes thinking, a calming of mind and body. Since I’ve changed my way of thinking I’ve found redemption in my life is much more pleasant, and I’ve found purpose within my incarceration. I offer to those reading this to take the time to understand your emotions and feelings. It’s not going to be easy, but I feel you can find peace and the tools to deal with rejection in a healthy way, and in the process, you can learn to love yourself, because when you self-love no one can reject you. - Floyd Collins, San Quentin State Prison

I Voted My experience with voting was good. I voted for the sole purpose to not give Trump the vote. Voting for anyone other than Biden would be giving Trump the vote. I believe in what Biden is trying to change for incarcerated lives. -Matthew, San Diego

Fifty-Fifty People keep telling me how important it is to vote as it affects me. However, through careful observation, I am led to believe that no matter what political belief I hold, many people on both sides will have angry feelings toward me. No matter what side I choose, someone who does not know me will basically judge me. It makes more sense just to stay above the fray, to avoid the headache that politics brings. All those Thanksgivings ruined just because someone does... not agree with someone else. It is not exclusive to strangers. And yet, someone who holds no political leaning still gets hated for not having one. How could I be so ignorant to not care and have an opinion? Can I not have one and pretend to be blissfully ignorant? Well, yes. But very few people can hold their thoughts to themselves. That includes me. I know my boundaries. -Truth, Alameda

Changing The World With My Vote I voted yesterday and it felt really good. It felt good to have my voice heard and my opinion is taken into consideration. There were a lot of topics that were asked about, that concerns me, or people I know. Like Prop twenty-five, which takes away the money part of bail. And they look at things like past and flight-risk. ... And it felt good to help make a decision. I voted for Joe Biden, and I know that ‘cause I voted, that vote is going to make him win. But it takes one vote away from Trump! -Hakeem, San Diego

Voting is a Must! Don’t slack now! If you are eighteen (or older) and eligible, vote! Register ASAP!... If you are sixteen or seventeen, pre-register! Vote as if your life depends on it! Vote to have a voice! Vote to make a change! Vote to say to others, I voted. This upcoming presidential election is important Very important. It’s critical! Think about these last four years The worse! A ruined and divided country. He is the biggest piece of shhh, ever! After Obama, who would have thought Such an evil person could enter the office as president. Since he has come into office I never in my young life have seen such division. Such hate How about the lies!? Oh my it’s time for a change It’s time to vote Dump out. It’s time to not only vote evil out of office, But to pay attention to the Senate, The Congress, The propositions and laws. To vote, it is our right! Take a stand and let your vote be counted. I’m doing my part. Shoot, I’ve already voted! I’m hoping for big changes, though I know it won’t happen Overnight. To vote It’s a must! Be a part of the change. Let your voice be heard. -Young voter, San Francisco

Different Perspective I always wondered how it would be living in my mom’s life. I would want to know what made her start doing drugs. I would want to know if she ever tried to stop doing them and if it was hard to stop doing them. I would also want to see if me and her had some things in common while she was my age and younger. ... I would want to know how she felt when I got taken away from here, and if she cared and did all of the things she told me she did when it happened. I know that my mom has lived, and is still, living a hard life. So, I would want to know and see how she gets through all of it. Not having my mom in my life has changed me a lot because it is the reason why I do some of the things I do today. And why I think the way I do about certain things. This is the reason why I would want to live and see life from my mom’s perspective. -Faith, San Mateo