Eric FitzMedrud, Ph.D.

I've finished incorporating edits to the 2nd draft of the book. I think it is shaping up nicely. Upon reviewing, I realized a central thesis about men, sex, and consent. The thesis is this: The important gap in men's sexual education, is not that they lack scripts for consent. The important gap in men's sexual education is understanding and knowing how to regulate their emotions. With that capacity, consent will be navigated intuitively in most cases. Without that capacity, n...o scripts for consent will be adequate. That's what the book builds for men. I help the reader accept their emotional needs including their sexual desires. I teach men how to meet those needs and soothe those feelings themselves so that they aren't dependent upon partners for validation, emotional soothing, or sex as a proxy for validation. Then I give men the communication tools to express their feelings and desires, to learn about the feelings and desires of their partners, and though I do give some scripts for consent those scripts are made effective not because the scripts are perfect but because of the foundational material of emotional self-regulation and personal responsibility built in the rest of the book. My wife called the book "extremely comprehensive" when she reviewed the Table of Contents. I hope that it is and that it helps men heal their relationship with their own sexuality and through that their relationships with their partners. More information to come soon, I think I'm on the downhill slope of this process.

A couple of ideas for preventing conflicts between a couple while quarantined.

COVID-19 reflection: For a long time, we have been traumatized into disconnecting from our emotions and our bodies enough to keep working long hours, get less sleep, work while sick, work to survive, and work to "get ahead." That trauma also disconnected us from each other. The privileged saw how hard they worked, easily forgot their privilege, and blamed the underprivileged for being poor. The poor have continued to work so hard they did not have the heart or attention left ...to connect. Now, we seem to be approaching COVID-19 from that place of disconnection from ourselves and each other. We are callous to the risks to our elders because we need to work. We keep working because we have toughed it out through colds and flu many times before, that's how we got ahead or survived before. Many of us work despite our desire to stop because we have no trust that we will have food and shelter if we stop. This financial system is not serving us. We are serving it. We are expendable and it is not. Your anxieties and your fears make sense. This system is broken and we need to change it. It traumatizes us and then we traumatize each other.

Every wonder why? Here's a response. . . . and men, please don't do it.

Men, your motivation to use consent boils down to this: Would you rather try create a safe experience for your partner at the risk of decreasing pleasure in the short term. Or, would you rather aspire to short-term pleasure at the risk of traumatizing your partner for life. What kind of person do you want to be?... What kind of person does your community want you to be? If a conversation about men, consent, sex, and relationships is compelling to you, like or follow my professional page: Eric FitzMedrud, Ph.D.

For men raised in the US, win-lose scenarios are a part of our cultural assumptions. We rarely get taught cooperative strategies. Our team wins or loses. Our political party wins or loses. We see arguments with partners as win-lose. Arguments with your partner are win-win or lose-lose. Since the relationship needs both people, both sets of needs have to be represented in the resolution for there to be a real resolution. Men who think relationship conflict is win-lose, fight t...o win and damage the relationship, or give up without trying to keep the peace creating resentment. Neither actually helps the relationship. Both create fissures that grow over years. Connection with your partner, formed with tenderness, is a 1st step toward resolutions. For example, I want to make sure you feel heard and I want to understand your choice before we move forward. Just winning isn’t enough, I want to win with you. Can you tell me more? Men can make conscious choices to follow their partner to prevent resentment. I do still have a different opinion here. I’m concerned my goals won’t be met. Can we evaluate the outcome of following your path later together? Being willing to trade leadership with your partner, being willing to admit mistakes, being gracious when your partner makes mistakes, and maintaining your relationship as a team strengthens the couple. Then, everyone wins. If you find these perspectives on men's relationship challenges, please like my professional page Eric FitzMedrud, Ph.D.