Matador Nutrition and Training

Broken Guru: Parr 5: Some say we can treat it, other’s that it’s forever. We need ten thousand dollars. Im not kidding. That's what 1 clinic in Utah costs for a week. One doctor said early-onset-Parkinson’s, another, Dementia, but we wont know when, until it’s too late. In an office a small, fragile little Asian doctor called me a drug addict, in not so many words. Almost every day I wake up and pain, and try and figure out what to do with it. Do I let it sit? Do I cuddle... it? Is this it? Sometimes I wait for blood clots. Other times aneurysms. Occasionally a heart attack. We do not know how it started. We do not know how to treat it. We do not know when it will end. My name is Chris, and I am 35 years old.

Broken Guru: Part 4: In total I have been to 3 General Practitioner Doctors from 2 different Hospitals, 5 Neurologists, 1 Pain Management Clinic, 2 different Concussion/TBI Clinic’s, 2 Psychiatrists, 3 or 4 MRI’s, several blood work-ups, plenty of Zoom consults. I cant tell you how many times this year alone I have answered the question: so what brings you to us today? I cant sleep. All day, everyday; Im in pain. I change the dosages. I try the new medications. I talk to ...the doctors. I take the scans. And still I cant sleep. I pick two or more medications up from a blue haired girl at CVS and she smiles kindly. And still anxiety envelopes me. And still Leslie sits there and patiently waits for it to pass, or at least calm down. Bright Eyes once sang it like: That's why I'm singing baby, don't worry 'Cause now I got your back And every time you feel like crying I'm gonna try and make you laugh And if I can't If it just hurts too bad Then we'll wait for it to pass. And I will keep you company for those days so long and black And we'll keep working on the problem We know we'll never solve Of love's uneven remainders because Our lives are fractions of a whole But if the world could remain within a frame Like a painting on a wall Then I think we'd see the beauty then We'd stand staring in awe." I wait patiently for tomorrow, or the medication to kick-in. Sometimes it feels like there's no in between. Hours go by in swelling. I cant touch myself because myself hurts too much and all I want to do is wash my hair. So we buy sweaters to wrap me up in and set me outside once in a while. We pick up the medication from the blue haired girl and chit chat while it gets refilled. Its not uncommon for me to leave her with 5 different bottles. Ive been on Dementia medication, Ive been on nerve pain pills, muscle pain pills, uppers downers, in-betweeners. Its like a Sad Wolf of Wall Street. We log on for the doctors. We take the meds. We sit and wait. I sing the songs, I read the poems, I pet the cat.

Broken Guru: Part 3: We’ve had doctors ‘on the line’ first thing on weekend mornings. My brother has had to come over and scoop me up and take me somewhere. They take things away, I sit still, we all wait for it to pass. In total we have tried 15 medications at various dosages just for the things wrong under the bone. Poor Leslie too. She has to sit there and try to love me through all of it. I love her. So much. And she has to sit there with the broken boy. We just wanted t...o go outside. We just wanted to go to the store. We just wanted family over. But my brain has different plans. And it doesn’t tell me. So she sit’s there and waits. She carries me to bed. She gets water. She puts a cold compress on my head. She moves the hair out of my eyes. She takes the wheel. She coaches the class. If I knew it would have been this way, despite the fact we have absolutely wonderful and gorgeous baby pugs, I would have sparred her. I’ve told her: if you want to leave I understand. And I do. Anytime. Sleep anxiety depression outbursts tears dread medications dosages insomnia weight-gain dry mouth tinnitus TMJ anxiety fetal positions laughter tears pain suffering hope despair love loving touch cuddles mental breakdown suicidal ideatio excessive thirst shame dizziness vomiting indigestion panic attacks difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep aggressive behavior irritability acting without thinking severe restlessness pain and tingling in extremities and frenzied abnormal excitementare just some of the side effects. There's more. There's interactions. Its been a human experiment. A Comedy of Errors. A band I truly love once put it; Im glad that youre here, I am sad that youre near. This is what it’s like to be me. The poet William Hughes Mearns once wrote in stanza one of The Little Man Who Wasn’t There "Yesterday, upon the stair,I met a man who wasn't there! He wasn't there again today,Oh how I wish he'd go away!" A crazy cat once phrased it: we’re all mad here."

Broken Guru: Part 2: We think that Chuck has tenticles or tendrils, and that some of the fluid pools by my temple. When it swells it basically a bubble or ribbon of liquid that pulls my scalp away from my skull. Though the pain is extreme in one location, my whole head aches. Currently my doctors are trying to figure away how to scan it and avoid an exploratative surgery. The other option is to make several incisions all over my head and have a look. The ‘best guess’ is tha...t this may have been caused by a car accident in college, when my skull cracked and I bled out slowly, drip by tiny drop, for two days until I seizured in the ER. The other stuff, the stuff inside the skull, that’s dark and so much worse. Storms of anxiety, waves of depression sometimes it last just a few sets sometimes its much longer. We don’t know what sets it off. Family history coupled with shots to the head in soccer, martial arts, a few bar fights, maybe a Labor Day, maybe pesticide exposure for a year, 1 day at Six Flags, maybe just dumb luck. TBI is short for Traumatic Brain Injury and that’s the best guess right now. There’s a theory it could be CTE but there’s no way to test for that. Or treat it. I will tell you this, if Im being honest, when I watched the Aaron Hernandez documentary on Netflix, I think in episode 3 or 4 I shot up like a bolt and said that’s me! That’s what it’s like. But we cannot confirm it. There’s been times on the way to work Ive had to pull over because Ive broken and uncontrollably crying and have to let Leslie drive. I usually have to go off and make it stop and sedate my world. I have to take so much medication I basically pass out. Sometimes it’s minor stuff like I drop something, or part of a bad conversation. Other times it’s nothing. Absolutely nothing. It just happens. I just break. Leslie finds me, and we just have to wait it out. Imagine your love is just tiptoeing through their dat, doing the job, texting their friends, making breakfast and you turn the corner and "find him" like that. Even if she asked whats wrong and even if I could answer, there's no solving the problem. We just have to sit.

Broken Guru: Part 1 Sometimes when I wake, I wake to incredible pain. It feel like someone is screwing in a Halo, those medical rods and loop that people get after car accidents or a great fall. Sometimes when I wake its like something is slowly driving a 3 inch thick bolt into my skull and pulling it out at the same time. ... I don’t remember the dreams before mornings like this. Sometimes the first 5 minutes of my day awake is trying to figure out if I need to medicate myself and how much and whats on my schedule and how the medication will affect everything. Sometimes it happens in the early afternoon, others the middle of the day, even occasionally before bed. Any of these times I have to make a choice: do I stay in pain? Do I take something? How much do I want to suffer? Sometimes plans go out the window. Having sedated zoom meetings, or making phone calls, conjuring all brain resources so I can safely drive to the gym and train people. It’s not easy to dose right all the time. Sometimes I get it wrong and just have to ride it out. Sometimes this can happen one or four days in a row. Sometimes I get a couple days off. We don’t know what agitates it, we don’t know how to fix it, how to treat it, why it’s really there and why it’s doing this to me. With the wrong amount of pressure I can’t comb my hair, touch my head, wear a hat, even lay on a pillow. I don’t get any cool drugs. Nothing you see in the news. I have to take my pain and appear to be sincere and honest and correct in my statements while my city in particular, but also the entire nation as well, tries to navigate an opioid crisis. I have actually said this to some of my doctors, and fully meant it: I feel worse getting drugs from you than I ever did from people in college. And I have had doctor’s shame me for being on a high dose aspirin. Not kidding. This is only for the external pain by the way. The above is only between the skin and the skull. There is a fluid that builds up. That’s all we know. There is one place it localizes, and we named it Chuck.

It's Going To Get Heavy Just a heads up to anyone close to me or following me, the next few posts are going to get heavy. . Im going to open up. Im going to be honest.... Im going to lay it all down. It may be too open. Maybe too honest, but here I am. Ive been trying to write and explain this for months. These sentences have been in my head for months. I hope it comes out right. These are my struggles. They are not specifically tied into the gym or business itself; this is me. Please read. Please reach out. Please be open. Feel free to have me clarify and please feel free to ask questions. Thank you for reading. Thank you for listening. #MatadorStrong

ONE OF THE HARDEST ASPECTS OF A SMALL BUSINESS STRUGGLING IN COVID IS OTHER COMPANIES CONTINUING TO TAKE MONEY. I HAVENT USED THIS SYSTEM SINCE GOING DOWN IN JULY, IM STILL NOT USING IT, AND THEY CONTINUE TO CHARGE ME. SO HARD TO GET AHEAD WHEN THESE LITTLE SIPHONS CONTINUE TO SUCK AT THE HEMORRHAGE. ... I DONT THINK I HAVE EVER SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT A COMPANY BUT Rhino Software wtf???

Matador Is Back!!!!! Thank you so, SO much to @vccfoundation Ventura County Community Foundation for literally saving Matador, at least for the next month or two!!!!! California and Ventura County have done more for me in this Pandemic than US Gov. ... Im hoping to use this grant to get back on me feet and maybe make some awesome upgrades to keep this gym as amazing as I can. I will be emailing out info so keep on the lookout for that! If you dont hear from me in the next 48hrs (and check spam) then please reach out! So super pumped to reopen my doors again and hopefully keep going strong!!! #Matadornutritionandtraining #matadorstrong #simivalleycrossfit #simivalleyflex #simivalleygyms #simivalleygym #simivalleyfitness #simivalleyfitnesstrainer #simivalleystrengthandconditioning #simivalleyfit #strength #strengthtraining #strengthandconditioning #weightlifting #strongman #strongmantraining #simivalleygrouptraining #simivalleyfitnesstraining

My Best-Greatest Misktake People go into training and coaching for a myriad of positive reasons. More people inappropriately attempt to go into it for financial gain.... Somewhere between those thins of love/passion and business is the product. The product can be the gym itself, the trainer(s), the program, the location, the amenities, etc. There are unfortunate circumstances where its the sale, the manipulation, the shaming, or the facade that is the product. It's been a decade of me trying to listen to other folks and accept that people sought me out for positive reasons tied solely to myself. I personally never wanted to be the product. I wanted the training and the atmosphere to be the product. One thing I have loved throughout is: Teaching. This has lead to a great but wonderful downfall. I helped people become trainers, influenced them to train, elevated their training, but also helped clients learn how to fully function on their own, anywhere. Throughout opening Matador Ive taken some time off here and there and literally left everyone a key. Maybe Id ask someone to be in charge and open/close and it ran smoothly. I taught and explained programming, I let people post workouts and take pictures, I explained a massive amout regarding all kinds of aspects of training in my OnRamp. I even had other gyms send their trainers to my OnRamp secretly to learn. I lost 95% of my Matadors to their home gyms in lockdown. At first of course I was crushed but then it changed to a strange happiness that I provided something so awesome as a form of confidence and knowledge and motivation to be self sufficient. I have people send me screenshots of their training and workouts all the time and I cant be anything but happy. Of course I miss everyone, but, you know; teach a man to fish. Sure there are aspects like extremely weird conversations, the community, bursts of outrageous laughter, but to see people I once train carry their own torches burning brightly into the night, well, godd*amn thats been a great, proud pleasure to watch. Keep on kids, and reach out for anything, anytime.

Pt 4: I Tried To Do The Right Thing, Always, and F*ck You(Me) I took a moment to reflect on this and also dealing with the fallout. In a short recap, I always loved the human body and its capabilities, limits, powers, magic, beauty. I didnt want to be a trainer - but chicks and money - helped literally 1 person and then fell in love, sidelined my ungrad and Masters degree, moved across the country, moved back, ran a gym, worked with almost every population imaginable, learned... a lot, forgot a lot, lost myself, found myself, broke my self, healed myself etc. The gym I first started at was corporateAF. Numbers and money. I worked almost every position at the job. We stole credit cards for memberships, we smoke cigarettes in the back, we would talk sh*t in front of customers through code, they taught us how to stand on the back of a scale while weighing a girl so she appeared heavier, and how to manipulate body fat measurements so they appeared fatter. They taught us how to waste time and punch tickets. When I found CFSimi I wanted to do none of that. I wanted honesty, integrity and truth. I made it a goal and a passion. I trained a front desk girl in the garage of some other dudes house in Simi at 6am. That was the first client. Flash forward to competing with other gyms and trainers to moving out of the garage to a local gymnastics place to moving again to a tiny hole in the wall, to having people fear and hate my workouts (or me) to making friends, to helping people, to moving again, to leaving on my own for Matador. All the people in between, all the experience and knowledge and memories; wouldnt trade it. I couldve done with less drama and heartache but, eh, learning curves. From then till now, I always tried to do the right thing. Yes, it might have been immature or misguided or misinformed, maybe even a little delusional - im not perfect - but I never meant anyone harm, ill-will, bad or negative energy (ok theres actually like 2 or 3 people that could f*ck right off) but for members, people who paid me and put in very hard, amazing work and effort, I was always, ALWAYS trying to give you/them something better and deserved. That was it. Cont in comments See more

Pt 3: Nest I built a nest in Simi, I felt. I ended college with a BA in English, and two minors, 1 in Philosophy and another in Religious Studies. I wanted to write. I still needed to make money though and and I truly, TRULY wanted to help people that found me and showed up and hired me. I grew really close to a LOT of people. Because CrossFit is so community driven, that's its money pot, getting close to members is a super fine, dangerous, beautiful line. Ive dropped clien...ts off at rehab. I found clients steroids and doctors. I dated clients and got belligerently, black out drunk with others. Ive done everything right. Ive done everything wrong. Ive officiated weddings, Ive prepped clients for movies, fights, combat and daily life. Ive coached classes completely shit-faced and heart broken and torn and tried to love and give love in every hour. I never made money, honestly. I eventually realized that I just never made enough money. I left my last position not just because of money, but because people I SEVERELY cared about at the time, were heart broken about the condition of that gym and felt they were essentially being cheated. So I muster enough personal courage, get 2 partners and pull a loan, and left. I didn't leave out of hate or spite, I left bc people that meant something to me were unhappy and feeling mistreated. A majority of people I cared about came with me, some I cared about did not, and that original sense of departing really hurt me. I found out later people lied to me and had in a sense tried to sabotage me by convincing me I should leave. When I left I took members to my garage, my home, and attempted to build a brand new business and life off of their support and love and care. That only lasted so long. Eventually I would find out that not everyone who said they would stay, would stay. But I grew up and realized I couldn't save everyone and there is no reason ever to be mad at someone else for where they choose to workout. When I shutdown and relaunched in my garage, I lost people. People I really care about to this day. It hurt and still hurts. When I opened my facility, I lost people again. Cont in comments------>> See more

Pt 2: Dont Care At All. Care Too Much. Ive been a trainer for 15 years or so. It started with teaching martial arts to high school friends after school and I just grew a love for learning and instructing. Both my parents were teachers so I grew up constantly absorbing and massively inquisitive. I didnt become a trainer because I liked fitness or health, I did it for money and girls. That's what some sales guys and a few trainers sold me on; CSUN chicks and cash, for bullshi...t. Talk, sell them, put them on some machines, make it burn, make it hurt, collect. One day I made a client jump over a rope I had laid on the floor. He had torn his ACL two years prior and hired me as a trainer to help him recover. I actually looked up ACL recovery, Ive ALWAYS been fascinated with the body and medicine, my dad grew up a large part of his life trying to be a doctor and its always been a natural subject. It took probably 10 mins to convince this guy to jump. Not kidding. When I watched him land I looked up and he was super teary-eyed. He hadnt jumped in 2yr. I realized that this MEANS something to people. Flash forward: Im heavily invested. I want to be the smartest and best trainer. My cousin was married to 7x Mr Olympia Phil Heath at the time so body building, martial arts, sports, all this is mixing. Im a great therapist to clients, I build a base, but outside the gym Im a wreck. I left high school severely wounded. Ive grown up with manic depression since I was a child, at one point was diagnosed Bipolar Type 2, but I left high school very hurt. I originally went to college for film and music, film, writing were my major dreams and desires. Health and Fitness just happened. This went on for years and years. The better I got at health and training, the more destructive I was outside of the gym. You wouldnt recognize the me out of the box. After college I kind of fall in love and move across the country and that was my first separation from a box I had helped build for 5 years. I never wanted to live in Simi. I moved here to help build the people that came to that gym. I came back for those same people. See more

Did I Upset You?? PT 1: Probably At a point Ive at least ruffled some feathers. That's why a lot of people love me and for sure why a lot of people dont. A new development this year was politics. A handful of people asked me to get a new page or if mixing personal and "my brand" was a good idea. And while a lot of companies do try and make an attempt at a separation we still know where they stand. Almost everyone knows where Goya, L.L Bean, Apple, Facebook, Google, Nike, C...rossFit etc stand outside of their product. Its definitely a fine line to walk and so much recently has the Empath in me wanting to apologize. I will recognize your feelings, and it should be known that absolutely, 100%, I do NOT wake up with the intention of f*cking up anyone's day: emotionally, spiritually, physically etc. Quite the opposite. BUT, people have asked, why did you get so political? Bc literally the world got political. My world anyways. Politics has never really touched me. My mom was at Kent State and Woodstock, both my parents lost people in Vietnam, my grandfather was Military Intelligence. I grew up with a very unusual, carefree, set of politics. But all of a sudden, my livelihood, future, passion, mental health, finances, friendships, family ALL got impacted this year by politics. Science became political. Health became political. Nutrition became political. Business became political. The fact I spent a lot of time researching 5g, Bill Gates, Vaccines, virual load, immune system function, sunlight, isolation protocols, virus testing, viral transfer should be an indication of how much I cared but it definitely was taken a different way. My concern, love and desire to help people be healthier all of a sudden was be threatened bc of a Facebookpost. My business, passion of training people, all of a sudden became a threat to peoples rights. I do spend my days trying to gather knowledge and study health. Ive spent quite a few years and a LOT of time/money learning. But most people I engaged with have not. People who once sought me out for health and fitness either walked away or debated me bc they thought they knew better. All in all its on to new pages...

Private Matador?! Need space to train clients? Want Matador Anytime? As the fitness industry changes and struggles to find its footing in this current climate, I am trying to create as many avenues to continue training as I can creatively conceive. ... Currently we are considering the following: 1) Private Gym for trainers to train clients 2) Outside Facility options for small group or private sessions. 3) Matador Anytime: personal access to the gym and its amenities (inside or out). If you know anyone who may be interested in the above or are interested yourself, please contact me directly #simivalleyflex #simivalleycrossfit #simivalley #simivalleygym #simivalleyfitness #simivalleyfitnesstrainer #simivalleystrengthandconditioning

Matador: To Pivot!! The climate, the environment, the season, the vibe has all changed, so we will change too. An email went out today with a Part 1 updates, if you did not receive it and would like to, please reach out to me. ... On a sort of side note: I will be taking a personal break. I have no problem calling it a mental health break, because that's what it is, but its only a piece of the puzzle. But, Matador has come up with a list of options and we will spending the next few days sorting through them, working them and reworking them, to hopefully develop and deliver something truly great for those that want to be a part of it. Stay tuned for updates and changes we will be rolling out and I hope you all are doing well and getting or staying healthy and happy.