Kathleen Dahlen Psychotherapy, LMFT #97659

Something I am so often hearing myself repeat in sessions is the gentle reminder, You didn’t come out of the womb that way..., meaning, you weren’t born with the Self-Critic/fear of being unlovable/shame/belief that you are unworthy, broken, less-than. No. You were born with a wild, tenacious spirit, with courage, with boundless creativity and love and wonder. Then, as happens to all of us while going about the business of being human and attempting to ensure our survival, ...you started to stray from this original state. We all stray. We do it to avoid being hurt, to seek love and approval, to avoid pain, to meet expectations and limits and shoulds. We create barriers and defense mechanisms and stories to stay safe but that take us away from this original nature. And it all works, to an extent. We find, however, later down the road, that all of the strategies that we’ve devised and developed and employed have actually booby-trapped our lives- suffering to the right, fear to the left, anxiety all around. In our attempts to be accepted and to survive, we find ourselves stuck. You didn’t come out of the womb that way. The good news about these unhelpful strategies we’ve been using is that they are learned. And, as with anything learned, we can un-learn them. Through recognizing the things that aren’t working anymore, we can thank them for keeping us safe, and then we get to chose, consciously and deliberately, to replace them with more healthful, helpful strategies. We can open the door to the wild self. We can return home.

Notes on emotional vibrancy... Popping in with a few thoughts on finding and maintaining a rich and balanced inner world- I’d love to hear your contributions and philosophies, too :... We cannot separate our emotional/mental health from our brain health, physical health, or spiritual health- all of these parts of us are intrinsically interdependent. When one aspect of ourselves is hurting, taxed, or depleted, the whole system feels it You are already okay. You are already well and whole. Sometimes we just need support in remembering this We are living in a system/culture that has taught us to split off from our emotional selves. This is where our vitality and power live- reclaiming these repressed or dissociated parts of ourselves gives us access to this trove of strength Your emotionality is one of your greatest resources As my girl @brenebrown says, we can’t selectively numb: when we push away the challenging and painful feelings, we miss out on the good stuff, too Sometimes, all of the therapy and yoga and vegetables in the world still aren’t enough to reset our brains if we are struggling with chemical imbalances or trauma. After seeing mindful medication use radically transform the lives of some of my clients, I am a firm believer in the right meds, right time philosophy Mental wellness is inextricably tied to our privilege. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, ptsd or other distressing symptoms, it may very well be because of the cultural, institutional or environmental racism or trauma that your community has and is actively experiencing...not because you’re failing at self care. You are stronger than you think Caring for our emotional health is an active, ongoing commitment. I’ve been going to therapy almost every week for the past 10 years, and will probably continue to go forever. It’s one of the best parts of my week, and has made me a better therapist, wife, friend, family member, business woman and human being I believe it is the nature of the soul to move towards wholeness and wellness. We just need to clear a path for it

How often are you in conversation with your intuition? This voice helps to keep us safe, provides counterpoints to our logic-based brains, helps us feel integrated and authentic, and, perhaps most importantly, it wants to lead us to joy, ease and growth. Disconnection from intuition is often a source of our anxiety, depression, and general distress. So, how do we strengthen or connect to our intuition, especially if this is a new process for us? Flip to learn more... What gets you out of your head and into your instinct? I invite you to add to this list, below

I said a hard good-bye this week. This office, that has held so much laughter, connection and release- of tears, of old stories, of outdated narratives. This office, that has been an honor to return to each morning, that has shaped my therapist-identity and held my clients safely in it’s blue-hued, light-bathed magic. This office, that was less like an office and more like the inside of a seed- small and contained, yet brimming with potential life. As much as I wish otherwis...e, it’s time to accept The Unknown- that I can’t foresee when it might be safe to again welcome you, mask-less, into this space, and accept that it’s time to release this space to it’s next incarnation. This is partly what this pandemic asks of us: to let go, to make decisions based on what we know now, rather than what we hope. This good-bye, this loss, pales in comparison to what many have faced in this season. And yet, it’s a loss nonetheless. Loss, though, makes sense for Newness. For What’s Next. While we’d originally intended for this to be the year that @havncollective would open the doors to a brick & mortar of it’s own, 2020 obviously had other plans in mind. This global health crisis has instead asked us to reevaluate the way that clients and therapists access and utilize therapy, and has reminded me that therapy can actually happen anywhere- not just in beautifully curated office spaces. I’ve shifted my practice to take place virtually, and wow have my people showed up for this work. You know what? The magic still happens. And yes, virtually therapy can sometimes be messy, inconvenient, awkward and rife with technical difficulties, but hey, isn’t life? Isn’t the same true for being human? We’ll again sit together with the turquoise couch and the fiddle-leaf fig and sip hot tea...but it will be within a new light-bathed space, and that’s something to look forward to. But in the meantime, I’ll happily meet you over the airwaves, while my baby’s squawks float in from another room and your dog bursts onto the screen to remind you that it’s play time because that’s therapy, too- therapy doesn’t just exist in the sacred office. And you know what? I’m here for it.

Here's what I believe: Your emotionality is one of your greatest resources. When we can understand our emotions asinformation, notinstructions, we have access to all of the rich insights they provide to us about ourselves and the world around us.... We were all born with this superpower...we often, however, receive messages early on, implicitly and explicitly, about this superpower...which leads us to suppress or feel shame about how intensely we experience the world. As a result, you might feel that you are too much, or that your feelings are too messy...too big...too overwhelming. Can you relate? If so, here’s something you should know: Someone else’s perception and evaluation of your sensitivity or emotional experience often says a lot more about their emotional world than it does about yours. Your OWN judgement of your emotional experience is probably an internalization of an early caretaker’s response to your feelings. Questions for you to consider: At what age do you first remember experiencing shame, embarrassment, fear or judgement in reaction to your feelings/sensitivity/emotional expression? How old were you when you first began hiding, minimizing or suppressing your sensitivity? What messages did you receive about your sensitivity? Where did you learn to cope with your sensitivity? Who modeled this for you? If you believed that your sensitivity was a superpower, how might this change the way you relate to your authentic expression? Would your feelings get bigger, smaller or stay the same? Would you feel less shame, fear or embarrassment around expressing yourself? Would you stop downplaying who you are for the comfort of others? Would you give yourself permission to judge yourself less? To judge others less?

Why do I resist the things that I know make me feel better? Hardly a day goes by that I don’t hear this lament from a client, or experience the resistance myself. We may be well aware of what we should or could be doing to shift our energy, to get out of a funk, to feel more ourselves...a walk outside, 10 minutes of mindfulness, a call to a friend...so why do these resources still feel so inaccessible? This is your weekly reminder that WE’RE STILL IN A PANDEMIC. As I’ve m...arveled here in past posts, our brains are astoundingly adept at normalizing and adapting to stressful or taxing situations situations because: evolution. Your body and nervous system, on the other hand, are likely still functioning in fight-or-flight mode. They still think this is a life or death situation because, well, it is. When the nervous system is activated in this way, we do whatever we can to conserve as much energy as possible, in case we have to run from the metaphorical saber-toothed tiger. (This is also, by the way, why we stress eat pizza: fast fuel!). In fight-or-flight mode, short term survival is prioritized over long term wellness, because for all you know, you might not be around tomorrow to reap the benefits of that healthy, proactive thing you did. In other words, it’s not that you’re resisting the good for you things: it’s that they take up more energy than you’re willing to allocate. So how do we get unstuck? We know that resistance to reality creates suffering. If the reality in this case is that engaging in healthy practices is hard right now, then the suffering is the self-criticizing we’re likely doing...which only keeps fight-or-flight engaged. So what’s the antidote? Acceptance. Accepting that being in survival mode makes it more difficult to take care of ourselves decreases that resistance-induced stress, calming our overactive nervous system response. The irony? Then, we may actually have MORE access to our resources, because we don’t feel the same urgency to allocate so much energy to survival mode and might be able to redistribute some of that energy to proactive wellness. TLDR: Feelings allow access. Let yourself feel, first; then, resource.

My friends: It’s time to release the expectations that are preventing you from moving onward. Read that again...mull it over...check in with your gut, your heart, the chatter in your mind. How does that sit with you? To be clear:... An inordinate amount of our suffering (by which I mean: the stagnation of our grief, our sadness, our anger) is the result of our attachment to past expectations...the way we *wanted* things to turn out...*thought* they would turn out...which makes us unable to accept the reality of how things *actually* turned out. That’s pretty amplified right now, isn’t it? This doesn’t mean we have to LIKE how things have ended up, or are looking like they will. It doesn’t mean that we have to agree, or be happy, or act like we aren’t having our feelings about this reality that we’re accepting. It just means that we aren’t choosing (consciously or unconsciously) to stay stuck by clinging to our expectations, because we are protesting the reality. In these moments, and I know it’s scary, challenging, and painful, the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves, the kindest thing we can do for our future, is to morn what didn’t come to pass so we can be available to what comes next. What cab you release (just a little bit) today?What terrifies you about moving forward? What are you open to receiving? See more

I think about you all of the time. Even when I haven’t posted in weeks () you’re on my mind. Some of it, yes, is the familiar nagging of shoulds and the culture of busy, a systemic urgency around productivity and relevancy and the measuring of worth by output. Yeah, that’s there.... Mostly, though, it’s that I miss the conversations and the connections- the ah ha moments, the resonance and the synchronicities of this post feels like it was just for me. I think about all of the things I want to write for you, when I have more time between the client calls and the baby’s needs and the life maintenance to-do list. I have a running list of fragmented thoughts and partially digested inspiration to expound upon more, at some point. Things like, What is regret? ...cynicism as a defense mechanism? Differentiating between fear and intuition. I’ll get to it, when the inspiration strikes again and I find a still moment and I choose to use this still moment for this thing on the list. Or, I won’t. Either way, we’ll be ok, won’t we? That’s what I keep telling myself about this year. It might not be ok right now, and that’s alright. It doesn’t have to be. But it will be. We’ll be ok.

Do you talk to yourself? How aware are you of your thoughts, emotions and actions as you move through your day? One of the most useful tools for our personal growth process is the cultivation of an inner observer, the part of us that simply bears witness to the ups and downs of our lives with curiosity, non-judgement, and, hopefully, compassion. I call this empathetic detachment, and encourage clients to develop the skill with a sentiment of Oh, isn’t that interesting! ra...ther than leaping to critique situations, make up stories about them or get swept up in emotional reactions. In other words, this is Mindfulness. Developing this awareness gives us room to reflect on our experiences in order to determine what is and isn’t working about how we live our lives: it allows us space to respond to activating situations from a place of choice, rather than reactivity. Astrologer @chaninicholas says this about cultivating the Inner Observer: In order to not get lost in the stew of emotions you swim through daily, meditations of self-awareness are a life raft you can’t live without. They are the secret to calming anxiety, self-doubt, fear of failure and success. You are worth watching. Keep an eye on yourself. Sounds good, but how do we start doing this? A few ways to start are: * Stream-of-Consciousness journaling: Don’t make it pretty or even coherent. Just put your pen to the paper and see what comes out. Cap yourself at 5-10 minutes. * Notes App Journaling: Start a running note in your phone, and as you tune in and notice your inner observer noticing YOU throughout the day (I know, it’s super meta), jot down anything that sparks your curiosity. * Mindfulness Apps! Three i love are @insighttimer @headspace & @calm * Follow Chani’s wisdom: Practice extending the same kindness towards yourself that you would an old friend. Multiple times a day ask yourself, How am I doing? What do I need? Am I hungry? Tired? In need of a hug? A high-five? Have any strategies you’d add to this list that have worked for you?

When the nervous system is activated, we need to help it complete the stress cycle in order to discharge the fear of threat out of our systems. It’s a very primal process that we don’t really do instinctually (like our animal relatives), and therefore, must do consciously and deliberately. This means getting out of our heads and into our bodies. I believe that tending to our nervous systems in a day to day, moment to moment way is one of the most crucial ways we can support... our emotional wellness in order to thrive in our lives, despite whatever circumstances we may find ourselves in. Being able to spot the warning signs of central nervous system disregulation, fight or flight, burnout or overwhelm is a huge first step in this process, but what do we do after we’ve identified this state? See below for a few of my tried and true practices, and add to the list if you’re so inspired!

It’s ok to pause. To rest.... To stop all together for a breath, or for awhile. The last thing in the world that I want for you is for all of this self-growth, this self-work stuff to become another place where you criticize yourself, or beat yourself up for not doing enough, having enough, or being enough. You are allowed to pause the therapy, to take a break from your elaborate self-care routine, to stay under the covers instead of going to yoga, to not return the phone calls just yet, to not be ready to initiate that hard conversation. A little bit of growth is still growth. Backslide is part of the process. Breaking is necessary. I call these periods of dormancy Integration Plateaus, and from them, we can see and take stock of where we’ve come from. We can evaluate whether the direction we were initially headed in is still the direction in which we want to continue. We re-calibrate on these plateaus, catch our breath, sit down for a bit, and maybe feel a little bit of pride or gratitude for what we’ve done so far. We gather energy for what comes next. I’ll be the first to tell you that this road you’re on (we’re on) doesn’t have a destination, or an end goal. There’s no rush, no expectations, no such thing as being early or being late. So enjoy your time. Stop and smell the flowers along the way, and see what beauty and wisdom unfold with you sync up to the internal rhythm of your own divine timeline. : @modernmacrame

What do you do when you’re stuck? If you’re like many of us, at the first first sign of that uncomfortable stagnancy, that familiar anxiety, you may begin laying out the problem for friends, family and your therapist, taking a poll in search of an answer to the question: What do I/should I do? Sound about right? I often note the desire clients have for an answer, a quick solve, the right way to proceed. I do it myself, too: in sessions with my therapist, I feel that longi...ng tug arise where I want him to *just tell me* what to do about something. And, I feel *frustrated* that he doesn’t, and *frustrated* that we then just have to sit together in the *frustration* of the whole experience, and I STILL don’t have my answer. Can you relate? Here’s what I’d like to share with you about this- a little secret, if you will: Most of the problems and struggles in your life are not going to be solved by doing more, and they weren’t created because of something you didn’t already do. In fact, the do-ing isn’t the point- that’s the anxiety talking (or, substitute anxiety for a menagerie of other painful experiences...shame, guilt, fear, self-criticism...). Therapy, and personal growth, and LIFE, really, often asks us to stay WITH that pain and the discomfortto teach our nervous systems that we don’t have to run away or DO ALL THE THINGSto understand that we are safe and capable. Instead, when we notice the urgency to do, this is a fabulous invitation to simply recognize the impulse, and then to *resist*. That’s right, to NOT do. Here, the work is actually to thank the urgency for it’s attempt to keep us safe, but then to be still; to invite the feeling we’re trying to escape from, and, as we often discuss, feel the thing we don’t want to feel in order to calm the impulse, and act from a place of choice and wisdom, rather than fear and reactivity. The benefit of doing less is that it also creates m o v e m e n t out of that stagnant place we first found ourselves in- it stops the spinning and ends up taking a whole lot less energy than the Do-ing.

For some of us, much of the work we’re doing to create capacity for more joy, ease and self-acceptance involves developing *INSIGHT and AWARENESS*. Perhaps these are new skills for you- this learning to watch our thoughts and ourselves like a curious, empathetic observer. Ideally, through therapy, mindfulness and self-inquiry, we build these insight and awareness muscles. For others, however, we have trouble turning down the volume on the insight and awareness.... Are you someone who has been hyper-vigilant of your thoughts, behaviors and the inner-workings of your mind for as long as you can remember? Are you someone who can explain, in exquisite detail, where your attachment patterns come from and where your triggers originated, how you react and project based on your childhood wounding and why you move through the world the way you do? If so, I’m with you. And this is a great thing! Awareness and insight are wonderful, useful strengths...except when they get in the way. Like any strength (or defense mechanism), sometimes Insight & Awareness can *overdevelop* at the disadvantage of other strengths or strategies. I call this The Insight Defense: Somewhere along the line, we got very good at *thinking* about our feelings, figuring it all out, and thinking that this meant that we were *feeling* our feelings, processing and integrating our experiences, when really, we were getting stuck in a cognitive rut (aka anxiety, rumination, suffering). In this case, relief comes by getting out of the head, out of the logic and the knowing, and into the unknown- into the wisdom of the body. When we drop into the body, we gain access to new, creative ways of looking at problems, and we get to know ourselves from a different vantage point. We loose the criticisms, allow for a little mess, embrace the unknown and reconnect to our intuition. And so, for those of you stuck in the defense, I invite you to consider: What would it be like if you *didn’t* have it all figured out? What is it like to NOT know? What would have to shift in order to move out of the thinking and into the feeling? : @kaitnicole