Katie Miles, LMFT

Yes, it IS important to ask for your needs to be met. AND, expecting one person to meet every single one of your needs leads to chronic disappointment. Why? There’s no way your partner is equipped to manage everything you have, want and ask for. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t for you or that the relationship is flawed. ... Instead, we all need Social Diversity. This means we have a group of safe people (family, friends, mentors) that we can turn to when our partners aren’t readily available in that moment, or when they aren’t equipped to meet a specific need. It’s up to you to decide what needs you prefer to get met by your partner and seek those out from them! What are your thoughts about this? Ask your questions below! See more

Vulnerability involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure- but it also builds intimacy! We’re humans, were messy, and we get hurt. As a result, it can feel too scary to be vulnerable in relationships. Check out my last post for ingredients you need in order to have vulnerability in a relationship (safety is #1!). Today I’m sharing ways you can increase vulnerability in your relationships through your conversations.... Vulnerability requires you to share your mental state. Gain clarity over your own feelings and then express them clearly, using I statements. It’s easier to be vulnerable when your partner is able to catch it and respond. Help them out by telling them what you are looking for in the moment! They’ll feel more confident, and you’ll get needs met. Vulnerability needs safety. Dedicate yourself to listening, validating and supporting your partner to create a safe space to talk about difficult things. And lastly, work your way up! This take practice, and you’ll slowly gain your footing and confidence the more you both share and catch each other’s vulnerabilities. And obviously, couples therapy is a beautiful place for building vulnerability together! What do you think about these steps? Let me know in the comments! See more

It’s hard to build healthy relationships if we aren’t tending to the relationship with ourselves. It can feel like a lot to mend this complicated self relationship, but these six tasks can have you knowing, trusting and bonding with yourself soon. I talk a lot about building joyful and connected relationships with your partner, family and friends. Here’s are some couples therapy tips for the old me, myself and I relationship!... Daily Reflection: take time each day to reflect on how you are feeling. Journal, do a body scan, sit quiet for a moment. Doing so builds self awareness and centers us. Needs & Desires Check in: Based on your reflection, is there something or one you need and desire? Are you craving anything today? This week? How can you meet that need for yourself? Meeting Needs prevents burn-out and builds self-love Keep promises to yourself: if you want to get up earlier, set an alarm and don’t snooze. Wanting to take on a new hobby? Buy that longboard and commit to learning. Keeping promises to ourselves creates trust and confidence. Set Boundaries: clock out of work at a set time, say no to the thing you don’t want to do. Setting Boundaries fosters self respect and empowerment. Know your Values: Look through a list of values, like @brenebrown values list and do a values rumble. What do you care about? How do you want to be? Knowing your values give you a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Date Yourself: do you want to go to the park? Take yourself there, take a picnic! Cook yourself a nice dinner. Treating yourself to dates reminds you that you deserve love, time and attention. Which one of these will you try today? Let me know below!! See more

Stages of anxiety show up in more relationships than you think! Here are some tangible skills you can use in the moments of anxiety with your partner, friend or family member. Slide through for a savable graphic and read on!... Call it what it is: if you’re anxious, name it. Name it to yourself and name it to your partner. They can’t read your mind, and you can’t address something you can’t acknowledge Explore Why: Journal, reflect, meditate on what the source of this is. Are you feeling disconnected? Ignored? Insecure? Is there a specific event or behavior you can link it to? If your partner is willing, talk it out with them, if not, do some personal reflection time and then come back. Communicate Explicitly: resist dancing around it. Share what you’ve learned in reflection, and be as specific as possible. You don’t have to be perfect, you just need to be clear and honest. Ask for what you need: do you need to hear something from them? See a behavior change? Ask for something you want to see happen, that will speak to the source of your anxiety. Soothe: depending on how this goes, you can soothe together, or, you may need to soothe alone. Do something that will help your anxiety or any other subsequent emotions that popped up during and after this. I know it feels safer to pretend it isn’t happening. But that typically leads to the fire being bigger next time it comes around. Looking for more? Link in bio for therapy services (CA Resident only) Journaling Courses for STRESS, RELATIONSHIPS, and PERSONAL GROWTH available on @habitbetter @ Mission Valley

Are you considering therapy for your relationships, but you are the only one ready to go? Relationship health can be approached in couples, family AND individual therapy. You don’t always need more than one person in the room to work on the relationship. This is because some of the changes you make would automatically alter the state of the relationship. Think of it like dancing. If you change your steps, the other will need to follow along to keep danci...ng with you. You can help them learn the new dance! (Sometimes, you find a new dance partner.) As well as this, self-reflection, processing, accountability and healing can positively impact the relationship. You may learn to recognize and communicate your needs better, thus allowing the relationship to deepen without having the other partner there. Of course, I love having both partners in the room, and there are some cases were thats optimal. However, it’s not always necessary! Looking for more? Link in bio for therapy services (CA Resident only) Journaling Courses for STRESS, RELATIONSHIPS, and PERSONAL GROWTH available on @habitbetter by @poormorgan See more

There are lots of reason you may be feeling anxious in your relationship! How can you manage it? Well it depends on what the source is. Sometimes, the anxiety is situational. You just got in a fight or you’re worried about a specific event or difficult conversation.... Other times, it’s due to reasons that are bigger than a singular event, such as some of the reasons listed above. These typically take some digging and some change. Some changes could be internal (like processing past hurts and learning to uncover and communicate needs) and some external (like asking for change from your partner or finding a new relationship). Individual and Couples therapy are great places to help you explore some of these triggers for your relationship anxiety. You can also check out some resources such as Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, or Hold me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. Do any of these reasons stick out to you? Looking for more? Link in bio for therapy services (CA Resident only) Journaling Courses for STRESS, RELATIONSHIPS, and PERSONAL GROWTH available on @habitbetter See more

Hi! I’m so glad you’ve started following me! Can I get your advice? I’m Katie, and I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist! Despite how the title sounds, I don’t just work with families and couples, but I do have specialized training in working with relationships! Personally I love working with relationships. But I ALSO love helping those with anxiety, those struggling to make change or feeling stuck, and those trying to manage boundaries, their iden...tity and how they want to be in the world. I started this Instagram to market for my private practice, share my knowledge with others, and connect with others who are proponents of or curious about relationships and mental health. As for me outside of being a therapist: - I love music by The National, Rainbow Kitten Surprise, and Robyn - I was a theatre major and have always loved performing! - This summer I took up long boarding and I LOVE it. - My next goal is to learn how to surf! Now I want to know about you, and specifically, what would you like me to share more of on here? Let me know in the comments! by @poormorgan (she is taking social distance photo shoots at this time!)

I have watched this skill TRANSFORM even the most difficult arguments in session. How many times have you and your partner, or friend, or family member- spoken at each other in a loop of sharing, accusing, defending, correcting and denying? Using this technique can allow for both of you to speak more clearly, identify what you need/want, understand, and validate. ... Use this whenever a subject is heated or sensitive! Drop a if you could use this skill! I’m happy to share more!

This is your new dating mantra! This perspective comes from an attachment lens. When looking for a partner, it’s about finding someone who is *willing* and *readily able* to meet your attachment needs. But too often, we ask ourselves, Am I loveable enough? Cool enough? Chill enough? Do they want me? And if they don’t, we say I am too much. ... Well cut that crap right now! Not everyone is your match. But changing your fundamental self to match someone else will not lead to a satisfying relationship. Instead, look for someone who is able to meet your relationship and attachment needs. And be clear about those needs from the get go. You deserve it! Drop a if this feels like the mantra for you!

If this is you today, you aren’t alone #debates2020 Here’s some tips... It’s perfectly understandable for us to feel distracted, anxious, spacey, disheartened or straight up kooky. You can laugh, cry, stare into space or all three. If you are itching to feel grounded here’s what I recommend:... Engage in some activity today. Doing yoga, going for a walk or run, or dancing around a bit will get you back into your body and less spacey. Plus, endorphins. Do something that makes you feel GOOD. Fill your reservoir. Read a book, talk to a awesome friend, play for a bit, listen to your favorite songs. Practice self- compassion. I promise you, you are NOT alone in feeling this way. Literally, the whole country is with you. No one is on task today. Distract if it gets too much. One of my favorite things about being a therapist is when I’m in the room with a client, I am so focused on them that it’s a reprieve from my own shit. Find something like that for you! When you’re ready, take some control back. Make a plan for voting. Study your local government. Donate to a organization you support. This is super rough, ya’ll. It’s okay to not be okay. Reach out to me if you need some support here! See more

A pivotal part of repairing and moving forward after a fight is validating the other persons experience. A lot of us struggle with this. Mostly because we feel like validating their side means invalidating our own. The main thing to realize is that validation does not equal agreement. More often than not, we have a different perspective or experience than our partner. Neither one is wrong. In fact, each persons view is true in their own reality. ... In order to get to a place of mutual understanding and problem solving, it’s important that each partner feels heard and understood. Otherwise, you get trapped in a battle of realities that isn’t going to get you anywhere. Now I know, I KNOW, that doing this in the moment can feel SO hard! So I’ll be sharing some things you can say and do in order to facilitate this! Turn your post notifications for my account on so you don’t miss it! (Three little dots above this post!) See more

Fighting isn’t the problem, but not repairing after the fight could be! Conflict is a natural part of relationships, and in truth, we are all going to mess up and let our human show! We yell, we take jabs, we stonewall. @gottmaninstitute calls these Regrettable Incidents. Fortunately, there is a five step guide for repairing the time we fight. ... Going through these steps each time will bring you closer, and will continually help you the next time you but heads. What do you think about these steps? Let me know and ask question in the comments! See more