HLOTH_Men’s Ministry

Choosing your Wife Over Your Kids. Husbands, a question to ask yourself: Is your family in order? Who comes first? Does your spouse come first, or do your kids take the number one spot? Or do you put yourself first? How do you even know when they are in the right order? The results are in, and we’re here to tell you: guys, your marriage needs to be the priority over your kids. Here are a few reasons why: It’s best for your kids.... One of the greatest needs for children is to know that their parents love not only them but also that mom and dad love each other. It’s well known that a children’s sense of security grows as they see parents committed and loving each other. Often, we see couples in love with each other early on, but as kids come in the picture, marriage gets pushed to the back. In extreme cases, marriage gets put on hold for years while you raise children. This is not only detrimental to your marriage, but experts are saying it's also very harmful to your kids. When the parents can’t get along and separate, it’s the kids that suffer. When they lose their family, they also lose their sense of confidence and security. And we know when children don’t feel secure, their whole world seems to unravel, and they turn to other things that cannot fulfill that security like mom and dad. Research shows that almost all marriages take a hit when you have kids. According to an analysis of 90 studies involving 31,000 married people, the drop in marital satisfaction after the first baby’s birth is a staggering 42% larger among the current generation of parents than their predecessors. Satisfaction dips even lower, (though less) with each successive child. Studies also suggest that one-third to one-half of new-parent couples experience as much marital distress as couples already in therapy for marital difficulties. So if you can’t seem to prioritize your marriage or spend money on dates for yourselves, or it's a tough season in your marriage, do it for the good of your kids. And if you’re not sure how to start, here’s a great step: Make marriage number one. We want to challenge you to be UNCOMMEN; to take some time to talk with your spouse about how you two can make your marriage a priority. Pull out your calendars and see when you can get some time together alone without the kids. Try setting a regular date night. We understand that babysitters can be expensive. Even if it’s just once a month, that can be so refreshing for your relationship! Guys, do your best to get your babysitter ready ahead of time and make it a gift to your wife. Then alternate each month who picks the date spot. Start today and don’t wait! Make your marriage a priority by setting aside time alone for you and your wife. Make sure your wife knows you choose her, even above your kids. Remember it’s the effort and the heart that counts.

Prioritize Your Commitment Over Your Feelings Remember walking down the aisle? You waited at the front, and then the doors swung open, and you saw your bride dressed in white. Then she walked down the aisle, and you made some enormous commitments together. Do you remember those vows? Often marriage vows involved a number of things, but in every wedding I have attended, couples share the promise to be faithful to one another no matter what: better or worse, richer or poorer, i...n sickness and health. At that moment I remember the flutter of emotions; the wedding ceremony and everything seemed to be moving 100 miles an hour that day. It was a very emotional time. We were so in love, and those feelings were very real and natural to sense at that moment on our wedding day. While that day marked the beginning of those important feelings of love toward one another, we also believed that it would continue to deepen over the years. This is beautiful and right! But these vows were also important because they rightly assume that life will get more difficult. You will eventually be less attractive than you are todaygravity eventually wins! You will disappoint one another, see each other at your worst, and face unforeseen trials and seasons of pain. Some of these difficulties will draw you together. Others will tempt you to drift apart. These moments may expose the unloveliness of your spouse, and you may find yourself not feeling particularly in love. I know you find this hard to believe now, but that is precisely why the vows you are making today are so important. Tim Keller said: Wedding vows are not a declaration of present love but a mutually binding promise of future love. When moments come where you find your spouse unlovely, you must remind yourselves that when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn’t think ‘I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.’ No, he was in agony, and he looked at usdenying him, abandoning him, and betraying himand in the greatest act of love in history, he stayed. He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. This is why you should love your spouse.

Her Needs Above Yours 1 Peter 3:7 Yesterday, we looked closely at the importance of man’s vocation or job but not at the expense of the family. Today we turn our attention to your wife’s top needs. Most men are not highly emotional beings. Men enjoy action more than words. In fact, studies show that women express themselves verbally at least twice if not three times as much each day as men do. But, if a man is to love his wife, he is going to have to make a transition and be...come more emotionally available to her to meet her needs. Keep in mind this isn’t natural for most men, so it requires prayers and intervention from God. Studies show that men tend to express words that convey information to get things done. Information can be shared without getting the heart or emotion involved. But if a husband is going to become who God wants him to be, he is going to need to learn to share his heart. For a woman, it is not enough to know what he did during a day. She often wants to understand how he influenced someone for the better, or how a difficult situation affected his heart, or how he needs her support and strength to accomplish his goals. Consequently, God does not make this command to men lightly. If a husband wants God to hear his prayers, which ironically he is going to need to be doing a lot to learn to be emotionally available to her, then he will seek to open his heart to her in an open and honest way.

Marriage Over your Calling. You got a job offer. And it’s a big one requiring some big changes for your wife and your family. You feel like you owe it to yourself and your hard work in your career to talk with your spouse. You want to take it, but your wife is against it. What do you do? How do you choose your wife and your marriage over your calling in these types of real life scenarios? For some men, especially those in leadership, your job requires immense responsibility i...nvolving tens, hundreds, and maybe even thousands of people’s jobs on the line with decisions you make. It’s easy to see your position in leadership at the office as becoming more important than your job as the leader of your home So when I look at leaders who believe they are forced every day to put vocation before marriage and family, I wonder what they think they are going to accomplish. No one is indispensable. Everyone can be replaced on the job. God can raise up another leader to do what you are doing. While I admire these leaders’ courage, success, and endurance, I can’t help but wonder if they misunderstand their calling. If you are called to end world poverty, serve as the CEO of a major corporation or share the Gospel with tribes who have never heard it before, your calling does not exclude your marriage and family. It doesn’t require you to sacrifice your family members for this. When you and your spouse become one flesh in Christian marriage, this becomes who you are. Your daily thoughts and decisions are now a part of your identity as a spouse. The rules are much different than when you were single. Add kids into the mix and you have another layer of responsibility to account for. God made you with a capacity and gifting unlike that of any other. When you join into a marriage covenant with your spouse, you now have an alliance team with a capacity and gifting unlike any other. God doesn’t view this as a waste. He leverages them. That means if your marriage is to remain healthy, you are to make big decisions together. Wherever God calls you, know that He does not call you apart from who you are. It is you the wife he is calling; it is you the husband he is calling. You might experience seasons in which you are asked to prioritize your vocation or calling above your time with your spouse and family, but if season connects with season, your understanding of what God desires is likely off the mark. It’s worth asking your spouse from time to time to make sure you stay on the mark.