Dr. Erika Kao

1. Open to change, not set in ways. When someone is secure they are not easily threatened or may welcome change and other perspectives. Respect this refreshing trait. However, do not view it as a green light to micromanage and make them agree with your every thought! 2. Doesn't talk all the time about exes and lost loves and instead lives in the present. People who have insecure attachment styles often have unclear relationship boundaries. For example, they will pine for some...one who is unavailable but become disinterested when they are they are. They subconsciously block intimacy. 3. Not involved with someone else or on the rebound when you get involved with them. Messy entanglements block true intimacy. Those with an Insecure attachment style may cheat on partners, find new partners before ending the current relationship, or dive into a rebound as a way to avoid difficult feelings and get the attention they are missing. However to become secure, people need to process a troubled relationship and time to put a relationship that is over to rest. 4. Has been happily single for a period(s) of time in their life, but not the majority of their life (if they are middle aged). Because of insecure attachment issues, some people are happier alone or not in the confines of a traditional commitment. Expecting them to change will make you both unhappy. 5. Has standards but not highly rigid, critical and controlling. Secure people enjoys having common interests but also respect individuality. They are emotionally supportive of you. Tune in next: how might you become more secure? #drerikakao See more

Parent(s) who dealt with conflict well (i.e. through assertiveness, empathetic listening, and a warm approach) were likely good role models for communication and fostering feelings of security. However, many were raised by parents who didn’t have great conflict resolution skills. The purpose of this post is not an indictment of these parents. It is to help us consider a possible source for the way we behave when encountering disagreement. Most recognize that exposure to physi...cal and verbal abuse adversely affects the way a person communicates. However there are more subtle behaviors that we may re-enact without recognition. In addition our reactions to our partners may be similar to those we have with our parents. Some maladaptive behaviors: -frequent complaining, criticizing -guilt tripping, playing victim -sarcasm and personal attacks -refusal to speak for days -avoid and deny conflict all together Growing up, you may have said to yourself you would never be like them. However, in the throes of an dispute, stop for a moment. Listen to yourself. Where have you heard this before? What family of origin dynamics are being replayed? Which parent are you becoming? How can you change things? Therapy with a professional is a safe place to learn new ways of relating. #drerikakao

Continued from posts on emotional unavailability, codependence, and anxious attachment two weeks ago @drerikakao . The Enabler/the Anxious partner 1. Read too much into things. You tend to interpret meaning from subtle facial expressions, physical gestures, and voice intonation rather than what is actually said. This leads to worry, mis-assumptions, and even paranoia. 2. Wants to please, worries what others think. Not only do you criticize yourself, you anticipate criticisms... others may have of you. 3. Doubt your needs will be met, uncomfortable asserting boundaries You are so used to being ignored or mowed over, you have great difficulty saying no. 4. Afraid to directly express self. This is related to the statement above. 5. Too empathetic. Takes on feeling what the partner should feel (but maybe doesn't). You feel the guilt, sadness, consideration that your addicted or avoidant partner should but doesn't feel for others. It's draining and you end up apologizing for them and fixing their messes. Thought processes behind the enabled co-dependent up next #drerikakao See more

1. You may want your partner to care about what you have to say. Do you consider what they say or is it that you want them to think your way? Is it generally okay for either of you to be yourselves? 2. Beware of people who talk about money too soon or are overly interested in your money. Stay away from people claiming to have some overseas bank account and need you to float them some money! However after several months of dating exclusively, discussion of money must happen! Y...ou can not be secure with someone if you have no idea how they are earning and spending money. 3. Conflict is not viewed as unmanageable thus avoided completely. Nor is it healthy to always be in conflict. In a healthy secure relationship when one partner is not doing well, they agree to support each other in getting back to equilibrium. However they establish what constitutes crossing the line where they withdraw support. Both partners show up authentically so that mind reading, misunderstanding, and walking on egg shells aren’t frequently occurring. 4. Doing or gifting one big thing and nothing else leads to resentment for both the giver and receiver. If there is one person who is the main financial provider, they often feel like they work and work to give and give financially, however their partner feels they never receive tokens of appreciation, and consequently withhold affection, etc. Also large gifts from the dependent partner are often dismissed because in the mind of the receiver, he or she technically paid for them. Love languages or how each receives and perceives gestures of love are good discussion topics for couples caught in this cycle of feeling unappreciated. 5. The saying opposites attract is a fallacy. While it is a romantic, Hollywood notion, research shows that opposites they do not stay together happily. Having common ground and activities to enjoy together are essential building blocks for a strong, satisfying relationship. Those who play together are more likely to stay together. #drerikakao

Expressing thoughts and feelings are important in problem solving and the process of grieving. However, for an anxious person, often talking about an ex creates a loop that plays over and over. Like a commercial, the repetition creates a strong want and need. You may find yourself compromising your better judgment to find a way to reconcile. People with anxious attachment style tend to focus on their partner too much and lose themselves in the relationship. After a break up,... that preoccupation may intensify. Note that it is not a sign that the ex was the one for you. Those with Anxious Attachment style have a harder time letting go than others. Give yourself time and space to mourn the break up. However, also make a conscious effort to move forward. Clean out your closet. Talk about frivolous things like reality tv shows. Your time is better spent reclaiming yourself. It is a time to build your personal and career interests, self love, and future relationship goals. #drerikakao See more