Watsamatta U.

Watsamatta U. has shut down and kicked everyone out until this virus thing has blown over. The fact that we've been shut down for a couple of years already doesn't figure into this. In case you're wondering, we've been fighting a lawsuit over an issue with a former student, Clyde Snide, who is claiming that he didn't learn anything useful at W.U. Our defense has been that 'useful' is a relative term. Mr. Snide earned a master's degree in Bucket Measurement, but rather than pu...rsue a career in this promising field, he decided to try to squeeze money out of his alma mater. If he should win this suit we'll kneecap him. Our attorneys (the firm Duzzy Rookem and Howe) have advised us not to say anything more about this. Everyone stay well and stay safe. We'll be back. The world will shake this off and get back to things. And stop hoarding!. The reason for the shortages of paper products is you and your stupid hoarding. Buy a bidet or just let it slide.

Happy New Year from all of us at Watsamatta U,! We'll be resuming classes soon although we don't know exactly when (because that's how we roll). Staff and students are finding their way back from whatever and wherever. Let's hope 2019 is a better year than some others we've been through.

MERRY XMAS from staff, students and drug dealers here at America's premier institution of higher learning. Merry Xmas from Watsamatta U, too!

As the new year approaches, W.U. would like to announce the following staff changes: Our new football coach and highest-paid faculty member will be ex-NFL quarterback "Blind" Willie McFlinch. Although he only played one quarter of a pro game with his team, The Little Rock Crybabies, it remains one of the most poorly-executed and cringe-worthy performances on a football field for any reason. Rather than go into painful detail, let's say that Mr. McFlinch's performance lost th...Continue reading

Because of the usual poor scheduling by chief scheduler Sybil "New Fat Drunky" McPhatt who, despite living in her rusty broken down '85 Renault Alliance convertible in the Administration lot, still can't seem to get to work on time, classes will be held until midnight on Christmas Eve. The last scheduled class of the night will be # 3 in the current guest lecture series titled "Lectured" The Guest Lecture Guy will be Professor "Profane" Bill Hiccup, who will be presenting th...e case for Winston Churchill's suspected hidden agenda for dragging Merry Old England into the horrible but heavily dramatized 2nd War of the World (it seems the Prime Minister- jokingly referred to by his staff as W.C. Field Marshall - was planning to open a string of German-language schools.) Expect the esteemed lecturer's eclectic blend of ribald stories, phlegmatic asides, misrepresented facts and outright fabrications. Professor Hiccup often wears clever disguises to throw the students off and frighten them. One costume - he wore a bloody sheet and carried an axe that was found to be splattered with real human blood - nearly got him arrested. Claiming to be the famous axe murderer Sounheimer "Sheets" Killersteen, Professor Hiccup explained that the blood was that of his own wife, who he claimed have hacked to death that very morning. Then he explained to the shocked constables that his wife, Francine, was alive and well and had left that morning for a walk around the world. Everyone got a good laugh out of that one! Lecture begins at 7pm in room 24B of the History Building. Don't forget to tip your waitress and, please, try the veal.