Turdes

#homeiswheretheturdesis. Huge thank you to Mark Winston Kirk and Tommy Ward for remotely recording this beautiful song for us. Turdes Outdoor music space currently under construction and it goes without saying that these 2 dudes will be first in line to rock out as soon as it's done. #turdespromise. https://youtu.be/UPkl9t4PRCI

Coronavirus Safety Update: FREE Turdes Brew Power Shots for parties of 12 or more. Get em while they're hot. GIT UM! (each member of the party has to order one full price Turdes Sandwich) GITT UM!

CARVIN JONES is coming to Turdes for 2 intimate gigs. Dates/tickets TBA. Watch this space Turdsters!

It has been brought to our attention that a sick individual managed to hijack the Turdes video screens (outside the cafe) and we've apparently been broadcasting hardcore pornography since we went on Christmas break. Massive, hardfelt apologies to any members of the public traumatised by the extremely explicit content. Our security is being tightened up and the police are conducting an investigation.

Here at Turdes we pride ourselves on authenticity. We use real beans handpicked from real farmers and paid with fair trade prices. We don't lace our coffee with enhancements of any kind, nor our signature chocolate Mud Pies. Now while we don't take a political stance and allow room for all opinions, there's one thing we can't abide...and that's insincerity. So, we don't take pleasure in other's downfall, but we do hope that they find these people and they get their just desserts. Speaking of desserts--don't forget to try out our signature Oreo cookie crumble Funky Chunky Mud Pies!

As some of our regular patrons might know, Turdes has recently been under siege from a phantom defecator who has taken to using our fire escape as his own personal toilet. Haha very funny guys. FYI We've bagged up your last deposit and sent it off to the lab for analysis. Many thanks to DR @Lorne McDonagh who has kindly agreed to run DNA tests on ALL suspected customers.

Pat (our very own Steven Speilberg) made another video for us. Can't stop watching it. Those 100 views...are all me LOL!

Voting season is coming soon and some important decisions will be made about the volatile future of our beloved and world-loved country, but nothing can be as important as this: Which is your favorite Turdes drink?

Celebrate this Columbus Day at Turdes by discovering a whole new world of dark roasts! Set forth upon a new land of flavor and give thanks to the savage whims of deepest desires. So set a course for Turdes and full speed ahead.

Autumn's here so get out your best walking boots and come share the harvest--the Turdes harvest!--here at your favorite local coffee shop. Nothing like the warm, smooth sensation of Turdes sliding down your throat on a cool autumnal evening.

Big thanks to the ultra talented Pat from "ChickenShed Creatives" for making us this amazing promotional video. Somebody get this man a Dookaroo!