Susan Oh Cha, Ph.D.

I love this quote by Mark Twain: "I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened." Many of us live in anticipation of future negative events, which sabotage the present positive moments. Much of my conversations with patients revolve around being mindful of the now and letting go of the not yet. Why destroy what we think, feel, and experience today for what may or may not happen tomorrow?

As I’ve been preparing to speak at a marital retreat, I’ve been reminded of the profound impact of our significant relationships on our physical and psychological well-being. Recent studies demonstrate that couples who are hostile to one another are more likely to have increased stress hormones and mental health issues as well as slowed healing when exposed to a virus in comparison to those couples who are kind and gentle with one another. When we exercise charitable thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, it does our mind and body good.

As we approach Christmas, many of us ruminate over what products we want to acquire for ourselves or purchase for others. While giving and receiving gifts may feel good, studies indicate that those who focus on the materialistic aspect of holidays report less happiness than those who highlight being with family & friends and engaging in spiritual activities. Here's to being relational and experiencing meaning & awe in our lives...

One of the more popular questions that I am asked in parenting seminars is this: Is it ok to fight in front of the kids? Numerous studies have documented negative effects of parental conflict on children: physical (e.g., increased levels of stress hormone cortisol), psychological (e.g., depression), social (e.g., problems with intimacy), and academic (e.g., poor school performance). However, if children can witness not only their parents fighting (within certain respectful limits) but also positively resolving issues, then, they appear to benefit in various ways. Hearing how their parents disagree but work through their problems through negotiation/compromise/support can help children feel more emotionally secure, develop better social skills, and have less psychological difficulties.

Have you or anyone you know ever been bullied? One in four youths are bullied each year. One group of researchers studied three kinds of coping strategies (i.e., those imagining forgiveness or avoidance/distraction or revenge) to examine which would be helpful to those victimized by bullies. They found that those who were asked to imagine forgiving their bullies and those who were asked to distract themselves with positive thoughts did better than those in the revenge group whose sense of self-esteem and empowerment decreased. Researchers concluded that in the short-term, avoidance of the incident may be helpful, while in the long-term, forgiveness leads to feeling secure, less anxious, and mentally healthy. http://www.tandfonline.com///10.1080/16506073.2015.1108360

Researchers surveyed 500 13-year-olds and followed them for three years. Not surprisingly, they found that adolescents who were kind and helpful to strangers (and family members to a certain extent) exhibit less problematic behaviors. In contrast, there was an inverted correlation with those teens who were kind to their friends: They tended to exhibit more aggressive and delinquent behaviors possibly due to anxiety, insecurity, peer pressure, etc. which may lead them to be helpful, but which also can lead to misbehavior. Actions motivated by pure altruism (as in helping strangers) appear to benefit everyone. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com//abstract;jsessionid=E233D1

Holidays can be filled with joy for some, pain for others, and a composite of a wide range of emotions and experiences for many. No matter where one falls, they can be stressful. How do you cope with stress? Cultivating resilience, gratitude, confidence, and generosity can help in managing stress effectively.

Is there anyone who hasn't hurt someone or been wounded by someone? No matter who we are, we impact others, and others affect us, for good or for ill. To think otherwise is an "optical delusion of consciousness" (Einstein). In order to be a positive agent in our own lives as well as in others' lives, it is essential to cultivate emotional, mental, and relational health. Many studies support an exercise, that we all intuitively know, toward this end: practicing kindness and compassion. Thankful that my Developing Restorative Connections book has been published and released in Korean (September, 2015).

We all know that when we've hurt someone, we need to repair the relationship by admitting our wrongdoing and taking responsibility for our actions. Some of us are better at this than others. The difference appears to be related to one’s beliefs about people’s capacity to change. When we believe that we can change, we are more likely to be able to own our mistakes. This is because we are not threatened by accepting responsibility for our behaviors since we believe that we can work toward being & doing better. http://psp.sagepub.com/content/40/12/1598.abstract

It has often been observed that Asian Americans have less prevalence rates of various mental disorders. I suspect that this has more to do with under-reporting and -utilization of mental health services in this population rather than anything else. When Asian Americans do seek treatment, they tend to manifest more severe issues due to delay in getting help. Speaking on "Mental Health Issues of Asian Americans" at Santa Clara University on 5/4/15.

Average adolescent needs 8.5-9.5 hours of sleep. Between the shift in circadian rhythm in adolescence and electronic distractions, most teenagers are not getting the sleep they need to function optimally. Sleep deprivation is correlated with obesity, depression, increase in suicidal thoughts, and decrease in impulse control.

One of the more entertaining yet meaningful therapeutic method is reading certain books and watching specific movies geared toward understanding ourselves and others. Books and films can evoke thoughts/feelings that are beneath our awareness so that we can work on them, prescribe ways that may be helpful in resolving issues, and be cathartic.

Recent studies demonstrate that anticipating a favorite song and listening to emotional peaks of a song release dopamine in our brains (pleasure/reward center). No wonder we are happy when we listen to our favorite tunes!