Niles Cafe

Look who come in town! Happy Hallowee!!!

My oldest brother is great at English. He did his undergrad at Oxford and got his masters at Cornell. My mother thought he was going to be a doctor. She was 0 for 1. My second brother is great at math. He got his undergrad at the University of Kansas and his MBA at Berkley. My mother thought for sure he would be the doctor. She was 0 for 2. I, however, do not excel at anything. I don’t feel confident enough to fix anyone’s sentence structure. Decimals and fractions ...confuse me. But my mother was stubborn and determined to have a doctor in the family that she ignored all the warning signs, mainly my grade point average. She was 0 for 3. My oldest brother is great at English. He owns an international school in Vietnam. He teaches SAT prep classes to Vietnamese students so that they can go to college over in the United States. My mother wants him to make videos on You tube and make millions like the Korean guy. That Korean guy’s mother probably wanted him to be a doctor, but I bet she quickly forgot the idea once he started making millions on You Tube. Asian mothers are predictable that way. My oldest brother might be a You Tube star one day, but right now he is pretty busy with the school. I’m sure he would be susceptible to the idea if he knew how to record videos and upload things, but it’s not looking good. If we are keeping scores, mom is 0 for 4. My second brother is great at math. He works in Vietnam for a developer. He travels a lot to other parts of the world. My mother is pretty proud of him cause she gets to tag along and stays in fancy hotels. My mother wants my brother to be the developer and not just work for one, but I think she would be just as happy if he was a neurosurgeon. 0 for 5. I barely graduated high school. My performance in college would suggest that it was tough. I’ve never excelled at anything scholastically. When president Obama got elected to the white house the first time, my mother was the first (and only) person to notice that the president had the same beauty mark on his noise as I did. Of course this was the talk in my family for the first four years of his presidency. She said that only proved that I’m destined for greatness. I’m going to delay the verdict on this whole destiny thing for a few years if for no other reason than for self-preservation purposes. I want to be great at something for 2017. And if I don’t get there, I’m going to readjust it a little and aim for 2018. My mother will tinker her expectations accordingly, but I know however I come out at the end of 2017, doctor or not, my mother will be happy with the results, cause to her I’m batting a thousand. Hope everyone makes contact with whatever they are trying to hit in 2017!

Wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay healthy and happy every single day of the year!

Dear Stephen Curry, My mother loves you. Unconditionally. As her kid for 41 years, I can tell you, she doesn’t love many things without conditions. She loves you when you brick. She loves you when you air ball. She loves you when you commit a turn over. And she especially loves those nothing but net thirty-five footers. For Christmas I gave her a box of Wheaties with your picture on it. She commented that you looked much taller in the pic. I told her that all the Whe...Continue reading

There’s a fountain outside of the Vietnamese mall on Story road that frequently robs me of change. I’ve wished upon it lots of times, and not once has it ever increased my lottery chances. -- Before I was born, my brother almost died. He darted out across the street. My twin aunts (barely 10 years older than him) told him to buy Ca Na (a fruit resembling an olive that are candied, soaked in salt and vinegar or prepared in a variety of other ways). It was a busy street,...Continue reading

My mother said this to me a few weeks ago, "I told your father that the fortune teller told me that my children would not get along." Followed by, "he told me that if I had said this to him before we were married, he wouldn't have married me." I thought to myself, "of all the reasons he could have picked from to not get married, that's the one he went with?" But I've been thinking about this, and i'm pretty curious. For those with children, how important is it that your children get along? I am willing to concede every point to my parents, but i will not budge on getting along with my brothers. My mother cries all the time about this (but in my defense, she's a crier on most things). Can any parents shed some light on this for me? Wouldn't you rather your children be happy separately then miserable together?

I used to think that ghosts wouldn’t be able to catch up to me if I ran really fast. My grandparents used to have a coffin at their house, because they believed that the more you prepare for things in this life, the more settled you will be in your next. But as a four year old, I thought ghosts lived in coffins so, whenever I was at their house and had to pass the coffin, I convinced myself that if I ran fast enough the ghosts wouldn’t be able to catch me. I used to thin...k that I was good at directions, until my first day in the refugee camp. When the Philippine fishing boat found our ship and after all the paperwork was done, we got dropped off into the camp. My family immediately met some people they knew from their town in Vietnam, and I immediately had to use the bathroom. A little boy whose family had been on the island for a while walked me to the bathroom. Having two older brothers, I could always detect the, I can’t believe I have to look after you attitude so when he asked me if I could find my way back, I immediately said, yes. But when I finished my business, I realized all the houses looked the same. The rows of houses became a maze and I didn’t have the start here arrow to even know where to begin. So after walking for what seemed forever, I stood there and cried. Not long after that, a message came on the intercom where every resident in the camp can hear asking my parents to come get their kid that got lost using the bathroom. Even at five, I thought the whole bathroom comment was extra and unnecessary. I used to think that things in America would be so different than Vietnam because all the adults used to talk about how different it would be. They would talk about the money, the freedom and lots of other things that I didn’t understand. But for me, different meant I might not get to be bare foot or in sandals all the time, so I asked my father if he could buy me shoes when we get to America. He promised me a new pair when we get there. At six I thought that if changes needed to be made that my choice in footwear was a pretty good place to start. I carry in my wallet two fortune cookies that I think or hope that thee fortunes true. The first one says, people find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner, but when I read it I always add and good looks to the end. The second is, God looks after you especially. I write a lot about heaven but my idea of heaven and God is unshaped. For Christmas and the New Year, regardless of what you think or how wrong your thoughts have been over the years, may your God look after you always. Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm starting to worry about what is going to happen tomorrow with the big storm. I moved my mustang away from the tree and next to the picnic bench because I think the picnic bench will do less damage if it lands on my car. But I'm beginning to think it's a toss up. I gassed up my parents Honda Pilot in case of prolonged power outages. I figured I'll sleep in the Pilot with the heat on if I'm cold. I baked five loaves of bread. I don't know why, some people deal with ca...tastrophes in a rational way...it's safe to say I'm not one of them. I popped a ton of popcorn because I just bought an air popper. If everything gets destroyed, it would piss me off that $19.99 went down the drain without any usage. Hence, 10 bags of air popped popcorn if anyone wants some. I took a shower, because I'm scared of the dark. If we don't have power for 3 days, I'm not going to shower that whole entire time, natural light or not. It's just a warning for those that planned on stopping by to say hi or something. I have sphagetti that was going to the trash today, but I'm keeping it as a back up plan if the bread and popcorn runs out. I did buy grapes, two apples and a bag of cuties. I filled up five big pots with water. Not to drink. While I'm okay with not showering for days, I would have a problem with not brushing my teeth or washing my hands if I have to pee, which I find that I have to do a lot more often as I age. Maybe I should fill up 10 pots of water instead to make up for my shrinking bladder. If tomorrow is supposed to be as bad as everyone is saying, the cafe will be closed. If not, come by for some coffee and free popcorn. I'll post something at 7 am to see where things stand. Goodnight. Be Safe.

Want to know how my mother got into heaven? It wasn’t looking very pretty for her for a while, but I got her in. You see, heaven used to be the 1972 Miami Dolphins. They had the perfect regular season and a perfect post season. To this day, they are the only team with a perfect record. So I thought to get into heaven, you had to be perfect. But then it really bugged me that my mother can’t be in there, because she is so imperfect. So then I realized that maybe heaven d...Continue reading

Dear Ms. Ruth Cowles, I hope you are enjoying heaven. My parents assured me that you are there. I figured that you are, even without their confirmation. I’m writing this letter because of something my mother said in the car the other day. As you know, I started working for you when I was eight or nine. I won’t lie to you, being that you are in heaven and all (maybe you can put in a good word for me up there) but I really hated coming to your house. My mother cleaned yo...Continue reading

According to the internet, Xavius Boyd stood at 6’2 and 243 lbs. I’m 5’3 and weight at least 100 lbs less, but I had no problem telling him, You’re kinda small. The kid acknowledged my comment with a grin and continued helping his dad with the air conditioning duct. He had on a WKU t-shirt and black athletic pants, the kind that sound like crumbling paper when the legs rub up against each other. I left thinking, How big is Ray Lewis? According to the internet, B...ar’ee Boyd stood at 6’1 and 233 lbs. His dad introduced me as his other son. I asked, what year you in? Senior, he replied. Oh, you guys twins? No, we came from different mothers. I left thinking, Damn Eric, you player! Eric Boyd stood there as I sat on the steps of the back patio. Kenyon sat next to me, quiet for the first time in four days. This was Eric’s time; Kenyon and I both knew it. Eric was animated. The sun was bright that day, but it paled in comparison to Eric’s beam. So I sat there as Eric told me about his children Xavius and Bar’ee and their pending NFL pro lives. I listened as the man who chose the street at a young age talked about those decisions. I sat there as he told me about the things selling drugs gave him, cool clothes and designer shoes. But he also talked about the things selling drugs took from him, restful nights and calming mornings. He talked about how he cleaned up, and got five year old Xavius from his mother. He thanked Hooked On Phonics because it helped young Xavius so much. For the first time, Xavius was able to learn. For the first time, Xavius was able to say his alphabet. Kenyon and I sat silent for the first time in four days. He refrained from Asian jokes and I rewarded his constraint by staying away from making digs at black people. It was still Eric Boyds time, this was still Eric Boyds stage. Instead of talking about the potential millions his boys could bring in, he talked about the phone call. The one he made to Xavius after he became the first SBC player to win Player of the Week award for three consecutive weeks. He talked about how Xavius responded, how he told his dad he had just finished thanking God for helping him. He smiled when he recounted how both boys made the First Team Defense, but he glowed when he spoke about his childrens humility and humbleness, a feat that dwarfs any awards I can find on the internet. A feat that Eric Boyd credits all to God. I never watch the NFL draft even though my favorite sport is football. I go to ESPN to get the recap of the first round, but this year I will monitor the draft in its entirety at least until I hear both Xavius and Bar’ee Boyds name called. I know Eric will thank God, but if you could stay silent for two hours and pay attention, you would know he deserves some of the credit.

It’s 7:15 in the morning. A time when most retirees nestle up to the paper and cup of coffee, or are out tending to their gardens, my father gets ready to head to downtown Niles. The driveway is covered with the morning dew, so he cautiously walks his bike down the end of the driveway before he gets on it to pedal away. My mother follows at 7:30 with my nephew. They get in her Honda Pilot SUV. I’ve always thought the car was too big for her, but she said it makes her fe...Continue reading

My 72 years old mother wanted me to take her and her 55 years old sister on vacation. They haven't seen each other in 8 years. While hanging out in Florida, they wanted to get some souveniers for friends and families. I take them to a section of town with rows of shops advertising shirts for $1.99 and bath towels for $3.99. I waited out in the car. An hour later, they each come out with a bag of goodies. Before she gave the shirt to my uncle, my nephew said, "Grandma, it's beach!" The real tragedy however is that my 70 years old uncle would have walked down the aisles of Safeway clueless to the fact that he's my mother's #1 bitch.