Katherine Warner, Psychotherapy for Couples, Teens & Families, LMFT #87393

Doing couples work teaches me something every time I sit down with a couple. Lately couples have been coming to me with "communication issues." In this classic example that many couples complain about, it's often one if not both parties feeling unseen and unheard. One of the biggest reasons that I've noticed, is a lack of curiosity. We can be quick to blame, shame, dismiss, avoid, scoff at, or ignore our partner's experience. However, magic can happen when we get curious. And I mean really, really curious. Like what does that feel like in your body? What does that mean to you? Have you experienced this before? There are countless ways that we can get curious about our partners experience. How can curiosity take you deeper in YOUR relationship?

What my students have taught me today--to play and have fun and live spontaneously in the moment. When I saw them using a hula hoop, I asked to join in and demonstrated some of my own moves and tricks. They loved it! We ended up laughing and sharing a memory that they won't soon forget. How can you be more spontaneous and in the moment with the young people in your life?

If we want our children and teens to come to us with issues, we have to watch our own reactions. If we freak out and yell and get upset, do you think they will come to us? Probably not! They'll likely take their issues to their peers who are less equipped to help them. But if we remain calm, listen, and ask open-ended, clarifying questions, we will let our teen know with our tone and body language that we offer them our unconditional positive regard. Then they will continue coming to us and sharing with us about their lives--and we want that! If you think you can't maintain this neutrality, you might benefit from a supportive counseling session with me to coach you on how to stay present with your teen.

Who or what did you need when you were younger? I personally needed more people checking in on me. Even a simple "How are you doing?" or "Is there anything that you need?" would have helped immensely. What a wonderful opportunity to connect with our youth by thinking of what would have served us well in our own adolescent years, and offering that back. We may be surprised how this can also act as a parallel process, allowing for healing for both parties!