Menije Boduryan, Psy.D.

Perfectionism is not the same as being productive. Perfectionism is not the same as being prepared. Perfectionism is not the same as being organized. Perfectionism is over-extending yourself.... Perfectionism is over-planning and over-thinking. Perfectionism is checking your work ten times to make sure it is flawless. Perfectionism is always adding more things to your to-do list because you believe there is always more to do, more to achieve. When I write or talk about Perfectionism, I find myself addressing what perfectionism is not instead of what it is. I find myself explaining and debunking all the misunderstanding and the misinformation around Perfectionism. It has been packaged in this appealing and enticing way that makes us think, " , ." . Because it never delivers on its promise. Instead, perfectionism leaves us feeling more exhausted, anxious, and burnout. When you start to break it down, you realize that perfectionism is never about doing what is necessary. It is about doing what is needed and beyond. It is never about just doing your best; it is about pursuing an unattainable flawless outcome. It is never about getting things organized and being on track; it is about having everything planned for the present and the future. As you go on with your new week and the first month of the year, please be where your feet are. Be in the present moment. ' . ' , , .

Posted @withregram @mentallyflexible New Mentally Flexible episode is up!! My guest today is Dr. Menije Boduryan-Turner. Dr. Menije is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in California. While Dr. Menije has experience in a number of different clinical areas, she has made perfectionism a main area focus of her work. Dr. Menije as a beautiful way of using her own life experience to inform her work as a psychologist. In this episode we explore:... Dr. Menije’s immigration to America from Turkey as a teenager How this led to self stories of inadequacy Her process of integrating socially and navigating cultural differences How this shifted family dynamics We explore how the root of perfectionism and how it manifests in many different ways How perfectionist thinking gets in the way of goals and New Year’s resolutions How perfectionism connects to OCD and Imposter Syndrome The impact of perfectionism on relationships listen wherever you find podcasts please consider subscribing leaving a review! #mentallyflexible #acceptanceandcommitmenttherapy #compassion #perfectionism #perfectionist #perfectionistproblems #bicultural #acculturation #valuesmatter

? We often think Perfectionism is all about having high expectations of ourselves. We think it is about wanting things to be perfect, paying too much attention to details. While it is true that common traits of Perfectionism are how things are done and have a high expectation of one's self that everything must be perfect, ! ... When you dig a little deeper, you will find out that your Perfectionism has been telling you stories about emotions. It starts by splitting your emotions as good vs. bad. For example, according to Perfectionism, good emotions are ambition, confidence, feeling motivated, and driven. Bad emotions are feeling anxious, feeling scared, feeling lazy, or feeling angry. It goes on to tell you that these "bad" emotions will get in the way of you doing things perfectly. It views these emotions as an inconvenience or a waste of time. And therefore, the Perfectionism mindset expects you to get rid of these "bad" emotions by denying, rejecting, or avoiding them. If any of this info is new to you or feels surprising, take some time to reflect on it. : 1) When you think of emotions, do you think of them as good and bad? If so which ones are labeled as good vs. bad? 2) What is the story you tell yourself about a particular emotion that is good vs bad? What are the judgments you have around "bad' emotions? What are your should-statements around your feelings? 3) What do you think will happen if you were to stop splitting your emotions as good vs. bad, and instead feel and express them all equally? What would that look like? What would happen? What consequences do you anticipate experiencing? How would others react?

Perfectionism says " ' - " because " ' " " ." As a perfectionist, we feel the pressure to do more, whether it is for our family or work because we think we have to earn our place at the table. We think we are not worthy of love, belonging, the title, the pay, so we think we have to constantly prove that we deserve it. When there is this vicious cycle between our feelings of worthiness and our productivity, ... - . , . - . It is also worth reminding you that knowing self-care is important doesn't automatically transform into actions. You have to make time for it. Period. Why? -. -. -. Remember that!

Perfectionism is a coping mechanism to manage underlying unpleasant emotions, such as feeling insecure, inadequate, or weak. Other times, Perfectionism can be the tool we use to cope with emotions such as disappointment, sadness, resentment, and loss. , . ... It may feel harder to stay socially distant and postpone your most precious and joyous holiday traditions. When we have spent most of 2020 in quarantine, by the end of the year, we are feeling quarantine fatigue and have a strong need for some in-person human interactions. "." We may feel the urges and temptations to make things more perfect by decorating the house a little bit more, making more cookies, buying more gifts, letting kids stay up longer than usual. All of these "treats" and special moments may have been our way of making up for the underlying feelings of sadness, disappointment, hurt, and loneliness. As always, . . Let's find ways to pursuit so that whatever you happen to celebrate and however you wish to celebrate it, .

It is 2021. New Year, New Beginnings but same old feelings. You might be asking yourself, When am I going to start to feel better? Can you believe we just celebrated the holidays during a pandemic? Are you dealing with a holiday hangover? I am sharing 6 steps to cope with the aftermath of the Holidays! Happy Reading!

When I read @gretchenrubin The Happiness Project, I was reminded that there are core ingredients to a happy life, which includes having a healthy sleep routine, healthy physical routine, strong connection with partner, children, friends, and co-workers. For those wondering whether money brings happiness, she doesn't deny that money and happiness are connected. Here is one rule from her happiness project that stood out the most for me: the author stated that no matter what a...nd where " ." Of all the areas that make up one's life, she found out that what you need to include in your life and exclude from your life, must align with who you are. It must be authentic to who you are. ! . Hiding the parts of yourself that seem or feel imperfect. Hiding the parts of yourself that won't get the job done. Hiding the parts of yourself that feel unwelcomed, unpopular, or unwanted. Hiding the parts of yourself that makes you feel unworthy, unlovable, and not enough. . Being authentic means trusting your gut and intuition. Being authentic means willing to take risks and make mistakes. Being authentic means making a fool of yourself and be OK that there may be some witnesses around. Being authentic means knowing you are worthy. . As Theodore Rosevelt reminds us, the credit (and happiness) belong to the one who shows up in the arena. !

For some, the New Year means a new chapter, a new beginning. For others, it is just another day. Most often we set some new goals for the new year or find some new motivation to finally complete an old idea that has been dragging around. This can range from personal to any professional goals, dreams, or ideas we have. ? Glad you asked ;) You see as a perfectionist, we hold a specific belief system that directly influence...s how we pursue our goals and ideas. , - ; . Our Perfectionist mindset views mistakes as unacceptable; therefore a threat to our safety. We have a hard time viewing mistakes as part of the journey or the human experience. We tend to be more forgiving and empathetic towards others' mistakes than our own. We forget that we are imperfect beings capable of making mistake at any time, even when we know better. It attaches meanings to mistakes. Most commonly, , . Imagine you lose your temper with your kid and you rage. You are quick to turn this mistake around and conclude that you are the worst mother for this child. It is Monday, you are back at work, back at meetings, and working with clients. By mid-day, you realized you messed up the numbers in an email and it already went out. You are quick to think that you are unintelligent and unskilled to hold that position. So think about the mistakes that you often dwell on. The ones you can't just accept and let go. Let's identify the meanings you have attached to those mistakes. Because of that mistake, have you come to believe that you are a bad mom, a fraud, and not good enough. Lastly, start showing yourself the same compassion, understanding, and kindness you show to others when you make mistakes.

Your perfectionism has a certain opinion about self-care. It doesn't outright say self-care is useless or unimportant, but it does something more sneaky. It says, "- ." It says " ?" It implies that self-care is something you earn. And in true Perfectionism fashion, . ... Perfectionism is a mindset that affects the way you feel and the way you act. Perfectionism shapes the way you structure your tasks, prioritize your commitments, and organize your day. So it is no doubt that , - . There are so many self-care ideas I can share with you in this post, but it won't be effective or helpful if we don't get one thing right: - ! This week whatever got done, and whatever was left undone, it is enough. -. . .

When Perfectionism says "it is not enough, do more, be more, achieve more," it eats away your self-esteem and confidence. At its core, Perfectionism is an attempt to compensate and mask the inner sense of insecurity, incompetence, and inadequacy. When we have negative core beliefs about ourselves that we are simply not good enough, not smart enough, not there, and won't get there, then Perfectionism feels like a solution to the problem. , .... Perfectionism never leads to a deeper connection, a more fulfilling life, or heart-warming accomplishments. It instead takes away your sense of confidence, your sense of peace, and your sense of hope for the future. To regain a loving relationship with yourself, it starts with changing the way you think about yourself. I know you might be thinking, "I don't know where to begin" and that's OK. For today, let's re-commit to learning to trust ourselves, believing in our capabilities, and embracing the journey with all of its ups and downs. : any Elsa fans out there might be able to tell that the quote on the post is from Frozen 2. My almost 4-year-old loves Elsa and hasn't had a day without pretending to be Elsa. So I might recite a few lines from Frozen 2. and this one was worth making a post about: You are the one you have been waiting for! - a hint, it is the scene towards the end of the movie between Elsa and her mom

The most popular excuse I hear as to why people don't engage in self-care is " ' ." We think, "if I can't have an hour or two to spare, then it won't work, it won't worth it." I get it. As a working mom, it is hard for me to walk away and unwind just for a few minutes. It takes me a few minutes just to stop my mind from racing and stop thinking about all the things I have to get done before I can feel grounded enough to engage in my self-care activity. I unders...tand sometimes we need an uninterrupted good chunk of time to really get into our self-care activity and really enjoy it. But I don't think the time is our only barrier. . We expect, like everything else we do, our self-care to feel, look, and turn out perfectly. Think about this: When you have a self-care activity idea, what are all the requirements, the pre-requisites? What needs to happen in order for you to engage in your chosen self-care activity? All the work must be completed? Kids be asleep? The House be clean? We think our self-care won't be "right" or "perfect" if we have tasks incomplete, a house that's messy, or kids running around. Sometimes, - , .

. We hope that if we just get things to be perfect, then everything will be better. We will forget about the disappointments, the losses, the embarrassing moments, the failures. , . But . It never heals. ... . It deepens the hurt. It is a distraction. It is avoidance. 2021 doesn't have to be perfect to make up for 2020. .

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- , is one of my favorite quotes by Rachel Hollis How often do you think, " ' ?" You say to yourself, "all this hardship, struggle, and challenges mean this is not for me, it means I am doing something wrong, it means I am not meant for this." Then, you give up, postpone, overthink or over analyze it. Worst of it, you snap. You start to rage or cry. You feel insecure, anxious, and incompetent. ... Deep down, we expect things to always work out smoothly, whether we are parenting our kids or pitching a new idea at work. The perfectionism inside us wants smooth sailing. It assumes that our success and worthiness are tied to how well something works out. Because ’ . This includes how the work is conducted and how it turns out. One minor flaw in an otherwise stellar performance or 99 out of 100 equals failure and thus shame. To tame perfectionism, we need a shift in mindset. Instead of seeing set-back as a stopping point, we need to see setbacks as an opportunity to take a break, ground ourselves, and get back up. If there is any hardship, maybe we need to ask for more help or change something about our approach. As always, please keep this in your heart, !

What does self-care mean for you? What is one word you would use to describe it? To expand the way I view self-care here is my acronym for Self-care... - : S E L F C A R E What is your one-word for Self-care?

We all have our wish list! While it is undeniable that gifts add a little more joy into our unpredictable and uncertain lives during the pandemic, we often don’t think about the gifts we can give each other that would bring more joy to our relationships. Let's talk about 3 steps to set the right and healthy boundaries during this holiday season:

? Is it your husband? Is it your kids who you ask to do something million times? Is it your clients or your colleagues? The correct answer is !... You spent most of your time talking to yourself. Yup, most of your time is spent inside your head, in your inner dialogue. ? ' ? ' , , ? It is uncomfortable, isn't it? To realize how we spent so much of our time in our inner dialogue and it is unsupportive, unkind, and unloving. It almost hurts. And then we have these "reasons" why we keep it up. We think we are being "honest" or "real" with ourselves when we self-criticize. We think we are not measuring up to our standards so we must be punishing ourselves with our words. Since you spent so much of your time chatting with yourself, make it a nice place. . Make your inner dialogue so enticing and rewarding that it brings you peace and accountability; contentment and challenge; gratitude and curiosity. At the end of the day, .

- -. It is a way to treat ourselves the way we treat others, which is with compassion, kindness, and tender care. If it is hard for you to treat yourself with love, compassion, and kindness, you need to explore it further. : ? -? -? ?... Most often the story we tell ourselves is that "- ." We convince ourselves that " ." The most disappointing story we tell ourselves is that " , ' .. ." These are lies you are telling yourself. Because the fact is - -. - .

Underneath our pursuit of perfectionism, . We view ourselves as permanently flawed or defective. When you struggle with perfectionism, you have core beliefs that say "I am inadequate," "I am not enough," "I am incompetent," "I don't belong here," "I am a fraud." While it is hard and at times painful to make room for these negative thoughts in our heads, more importantly, we seek perfectionism to correct them. ... , . () coping mechanism. Perfectionism becomes a way we overcompensate so that we can prove these negative core beliefs wrong. We try to correct these beliefs by being perfect. Perfectionism is driven by the need to prove that we are secure, safe, adequate, enough, and in control. So where does it go wrong? The fact is perfectionism is unattainable. By nature, we are imperfect humans. Therefore, , , , . The solution is to learn to feel safe, adequate, and enough with our imperfections, not without. It starts with normalizing our imperfections. It starts with reminding ourselves that every single person out there, including Beyonce, Oprah, or Jennifer Lopez, have their imperfections. It starts with letting others see our imperfections, rather than hiding them. , , , .

While people are complex and , factors such as childhood experiences, gender, culture, and the way you were parented, play a role in how you view yourself and what you come to expect from yourself. As a perfectionist, we often think, "I didn't do anything special," "anyone can do it," 'it wasn't that hard," and/or "I got lucky." We are quick to discredit our accomplishments, simplify the task we achieved, and magnify any ...imperfections and need for future improvements. These unhealthy thoughts and patterns all originate from somewhere. Whether we had a parent that said "let's see if you can do as good as your sister," or a teacher that said, "let's see if you can do better next time, see if you can make this an A+" or an author that says "Madame First LadyMrs. BidenJillkiddo... Any chance you might drop the Dr. before your name?" When some of these messages come from people and places that are viewed as credible, authority figures, and superiors, we unknowingly internalize the stories and the message. , , . , , - , , .

I saw an illustration the other day where a man was holding a single ball in his hand that said "general anxiety." Then the image shows another ball handed to him that said "quarantine anxiety." Another ball that said "election anxiety." Then another one that said "holiday anxiety." You probably can tell that by the time he was trying to hold all of this anxiety, he was stressed, paralyzed, and exhausted. . We have all been carrying loads of anxiet...y and stress on our hands for months now. Sometimes, we are able to put one thing down by resolving it or coming to terms with it,. But soon after, we find ourselves in another stressor, aka another anxiety ball being thrown at us. Especially if you have not been able to put any of your anxiety or stresses away, any additional stress just piles up. With more stressors come more anxiety, feeling burnout, and eventually powerless and insecure. You can make things harder for yourself when you engage in comparison and jump to the negative conclusions that others are doing a better job than you. You feel more overwhelmed thinking that you can't or won't be able to handle all of the anxiety. There are so many ways to deal with this anxiety and stress. And I hope you can check out my other posts to find more ways to learn to cope with anxiety. But for today, I want to share with you one of my favorite mantras when I practice slow deep breathing. , I reflect and identify which feelings or state of mind would I wish to inhale, and which unhelpful and debilitating feeling or state of mind I wish to exhale. Once I name those words, I like to think of them or visually see the word as I take a deep breath in and out. Here are some of my keywords to inhale and exhale: , , , ?

. See all the ups and downs. Name the unexpected surprises and bumps on the road. ... Count the wins and the losses. Notice the self-criticism and self-compassion. Remember the moments you felt strong and scared, the moments when you felt grateful and anxious. The moments you felt connected and disconnected. , ! . : No matter what got done and what was left undone, I am enough. Rest is productive. I choose to let go of any imperfections of the week. I am proud that I showed up every single day. I give closure to the past week.

. If you are feeling unhappy and empty inside, or feeling anxious and overwhelmed, pausing and thinking of things you are grateful and thankful for may not feel real. It may feel like you are faking it or just pretending. It may seem contradictory to the unpleasant emotions you are having. . You think, "I'll get to that later." Or even worse, you think, gratitude journaling is for "other people," you know, the one that h...as their life together, one that is happier than you. The story doesn't have to end there. ( ) -. You can feel anxious and grateful at the same time. You can feel insecure and grateful at the same time. Practicing gratitude doesn't mean you don't mean it when you say you are anxious or stressed out. It doesn't have to replace or repress any other emotion. Here is the other trap: ' ! There is no perfect time or place or mood to start gratitude journaling. Honestly, . You literally start today and write down 3-5 things you are grateful for. We often keep ourselves stuck because we wait until we feel a certain way to take a certain action. We forget this one important truth/fact: . Gratitude journaling will help you feel more grounded, secure, confident, hopeful, optimistic, and safe. It will remind you that you have more strength, resilience, and talent than you realize. It will show you that there are connections in your life that will be by your side when things go bad. Here are two of my favorite Gratitude Journals: @thestarttodaybrand and @fiveminutejournal Tag a friend that you are grateful for

When we feel anxious, we distract ourselves. When we feel sad and need to cry, we hold back our tears. When we feel scared, we pretend we feel strong. When we feel hurt, we act as if nothing happened. Our mind is wired to keep us safe and often sees unpleasant (aka negative) emotions as "bad" or "threatening." So it says, "’ , ' ." , , , , , . Where things go wrong is that we underestimate the power... of the cycle of emotions. , . . . We need to let it do what’s supposed to do. When we feel our feelings, it lives its course and comes to completion. Eventually, you stop panicking. Eventually, you stop crying. If you ride the wave of the emotion, you eventually get to the shore. . Through practice, you can learn to identify your feelings, accept them non-judgmentally, or engage in behaviors to help regulate them.

: - I will rest after I do this - I don't deserve to rest - I can't make time for rest - Self-care is selfish... Next, we deny that these are the stories we are telling ourselves. We think I have outgrown those stories. Then we take a look at our daily routines or our weekly activities, and the truth is actions speaker louder than words. The actions show us that we still come last. Our actions indicate that we are still lacking balance in our lives. Our actions speak loudly that we don't value self-care. . Sometimes you have to change the actions to alter the thoughts. Other times, you need to rewrite the narrative so it leads to healthier choices. : - Every morning, start with morning intentions and positive affirmations because you have to talk to yourself like you talk to people you love. - Make time for morning meditation ( my morning meditation is only 3-5 minutes, anything longer, I will probably fall back asleep). - Write your daily gratitude list (my list consists of only 5 items - again it doesn't have to be something too long). - Be willing and curious to check-in with yourself throughout the day.

Brene Brown is quoted to say " , ." We think, if I only remember the positive and the good, I will be happy. We think that remembering and recognizing the ugly or the negative will ruin it for us. It will ruin the dinner, it will ruin the day, it will ruin the past, it will ruin what I think of myself. We forget that the ugly and the negative have something to add. Maybe the negative and the ugly made me strong, wiser or brought us closer. ... I am not less because of my failures or challenges. I am more because of them. I am more empathetic because I know what's like to fail. I am more resilient because I know what it is like to be scared and anxious. I am wiser because I have stepped out of my comfort zone and been told no. This is not the same as saying it all happened for a reason. It is simply embracing that I have come out of the other side. , . Remind yourself that looking at the past and accepting it isn't all bad. See your past without criticism, shame, or belittle. . Validate your feelings about what it was like for you. Complement your younger self. Tell yourself, " ."

With the anticipation of the upcoming national election, let's discuss the stress, anxiety, and other feelings you may be experiencing, and how you can cope. https://www.lyrahealth.com/blog/stress-current-events-1/

I tried to do a morning meditation for the first time today. I meditate in the evening because I relax so deeply that it just makes it easier to fall asleep. During the morning meditation, and let me be honest, it was only 3-minutes, it kept guiding me to let go of the night before. It was a great reminder of how often we can wake up and "pick up" where we left off.... " " , , . We focus and ruminate on things that are unfinished and unresolved. We carry on the load from the day before. Eventually setting us up to fail rather than succeed. Instead, every morning, , , , , . Think about it, every morning when you get dressed, you don't pick up and put on the clothes you wore the day before, like the dirty socks or shirt, from the laundry basket. You get dressed and put on clean shirts from your drawer. Because you want to start fresh. . . , . . .

Let's talk about ! The chronic drive that keeps you doing more, achieving more because it is never good enough. The unrealistic high standards that bring on unnecessary stress and anxiety. The mean chatterbox that magnifies your mistakes and minimizes your strengths. ? Because perfectionism is not good for your mental health. Because perfectionism is not the same as striving for excellence. Because October 10th is the World Mental Heth day. In honor of it, j...oin me and @dr.laurencook to celebrate you and your mental health. & ? On October 10th, via virtual If you are passionate about fostering your mental health, are an advocate for the wellbeing for others, want to learn more about how to improve your resilience, and care about ending the stigma of mental illness, join me and wonderful speakers on October 10th! @namicommunicate ( ).

FREE WEBINAR for clients: "Help! I lost my routine during the quarantine" Join us for an interactive webinar for women to discuss ways we lost our routine during the quarantine and how to get it back so we make the most out of the last 90 days of 2020! The discussion will review the benefits of a healthy routine and will identify practical tools you can use right away! DM for Zoom link.