Buddha Your Baby

It's not easy to be a toddler!

It’s futile to try to gain control of a child by commanding, yelling, punishing or engaging in cognitive manipulations to respond to difficult behaviour. When a... child surrenders, from a #brain state point of view, it can fuel fear or intimidation and put the child in a ‘lower brain’ state. This is why children can become reflexive and their emotions and behaviour can escalate in challenging situations. The lower in the brain that a child is operatingthat is, the closer to their brainstem the less time-perceptive, less cognitive, more reflexive and more emotional they will therefore be. And the brain state of a child has significant impacts on their ability to listen, learn, comprehend and cope with life circumstances. There are different reasons why a dysregulated brain state can occur, and sometimes children who are labeled with #ADHD or #ADD are operating more in the lower part of their brains due to #traumatic sets of events. Whether that is the situation or not, it can always be helpful to remember that their little brains developed originally from the bottom to the top, meaning brainstem first and then the rest of the brain sequentially, up to their neocortex. Therefore in order to deal with a child who is dysregulated, we should always be working from the bottom to the top of the brain in the style in which we engage and connect with an upset child. A memorable three-step method to help a child to come to a place of calm and clarity can be seen in Dr Bruce Perry’s use of the three R’s for this process. It begins with techniques for regulation, then it moves to relationship, and then it progresses to reason. This brain-based approach can vary a little with each individual child in timing or depth, and can usually be determined with some trial and error once you recognise how your little one is experiencing the world. Not sure where to start? Choose some of these easy tips to remind yourself about most effective responses. Reflect on what is appropriate for each child, keeping in mind their personal circumstance and character. Note: We've created some print-outs of the lists below that might come in handy. They are attached as JPEGs in pictures below this post. #REGULATE Encourage somatosensory experiences: move the muscle groups with hugs, weighted blankets, or rhythmic and repetitive activities such as playing catch, rocking or drumming. Engage in patterned, repetitive rhythmic activity: walking, running, dancing, singing, or repetitive meditative breathing. Offer top-down reassurance: say things such as I’m not mad, You're not in trouble," This doesn't seem like a big deal," or You’re safe. Use relational tools: with reflective listening, clarifying questions, or authentic empathy where you actively and truly try to understand what's being experienced by the child. Practice disassociation: let it happen. Time can be a friend, and sometimes that's really ok, and the best thing for your little loved one to regulate them self. Get down low: standing over the child can make them feel overwhelmed, while kneeling down at their level creates safety. #LetThemPlay: nature's greatest self-regulator is simple, uncomplicated, unstructured play. #RELATE Play together: the ultimate connector that creates sacred space. Love that child: say I love you, or focus on love and nurturing. Follow your heart. Use language to bond: remind them of all the fun things that are planned, or the little things about them that you’re proud of. Realign yourselves: genuinely connect with their interests so that they can feel you’re working towards the same goals. Hug: the age-old way of producing oxytocin, hugging helps to calm the nervous system and create a relaxed state. Share activities: think on what your child loves to do and do it. Be silly: a 4-year-old laughs 300 times a day, compared to our 17 times a day. Let them help you connect with yourself, too. Really see each other: focus on each other, not the problem. Problems make us forget ourselves, but we need ourselves to fix any problem. #REASON Use collaborative problem solving: find solutions to problems that work for everyone - adults and kids alike. Explain the ‘why’: it helps change behaviour when reasons are known. Share your feelings: some children haven’t yet developed full ‘theory of mind’, where they understand others’ realities, so let them understand. Reflect together: package what happened neatly and chronologically, emphasising cause and effect; and also reflect emotionally. Ask questions: learn something new from each other. Articulate: words sometimes need multiple exposures to gain meaning or nuance. Keep trying. Encourage confidence: action requires empowerment. Give compliments, highlight what was done well, and fan the flames of courage. Simulate to stimulate: Walk through solutions with doll play, telling or creating stories, putting on puppet shows, or drawing reflective pictures or artworks to encode learning deeper and make it easy to remember. Responding to difficult behaviour in a way that supports the whole child and their whole brain will make interactions easier and kinder. Be mindful that challenging behaviours can trigger our own fight-flight-freeze responses, and so whole brain responses can actually be easier and kinder for everyone involved. #neurochild #brainscience #familygoals #bekind

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The need to be close to someone as they navigate through their childhood and the world!